Day 77 + 14 days w/o + 3 days w + Day 2 w/o

A good day, all in all. Overslept until almost 10 am but felt great after some nine hours' sleep.
At last came good on a promise to review invoice to client – haven't yet had a response.

Differences after living with Concerta?
First day in a long time that I've felt decent, able to focus.

Diet?

Good. Healthy, balanced, plenty of proteins and fresh greens, chocolate and two coffees early in the morning. Bananas. Plenty of fluids.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I can juggle a few notions at the same time. So much more versatile in my fields than others.

What went well today?
Good day. Interesting time in ESOL class at Library, where there was a cookery demonstration. Some of the students found it difficult to follow, but I was able to help for a bit. Will catch up with them next week.
Excellent two hours with young ESOL student who has to submit her 'Personal Statement' for her college application.

What strengths have I focused on today?

I AM an expert in many fields. And I have accumulated some knowledge about the wider world. It's just the Gaelic world that seems unusually complex, arcane and forbidding.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Teaching. Cleaning house. Getting some bird food ready. Watching the frost melt. Sitting in the sun.

What did not go so well?

Nothing. Even looked at my Excel files for the accounting. I WILL get there in time, if only just!

Day 77 + 14 Days w/o + 3 Days on + Day 1 w/o

Exceedingly tired. No choir practice tonight, just as well.

Differences after living with / without Concerta?
Effects of C still with me: no focus, no energy, high irritability.
Didn't sleep very well, woke up many times.

Diet?

Good.

What went well today?
Joiner came to look at kitchen, which is in dire need of upgrade and refurbishment after damp damage until about a year ago. While I hate the idea of having to clear everything out of there, and of dealing with dust and workmen, I do think it will be nice to have a decent kitchen, with hopefully a more sensible layout, too, and a mixer tap!

What strengths have I focused on today?

Getting the things done that really need doing.
Posted off a small claims procedure to get money off a client whose payment is now more than four months overdue.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Watching telly?

What did not go so well?

Have still not touched my accounts, nor called the accountant.

Day 77 + 14 Days w/o + Day 3 with C

Ah, great to be home again. I'm exhausted but 'wired'. Can't focus on anything.

Differences after living without Concerta for two weeks and three days back on?
Sooooo 'wired', and irritable and headachey and angry, angry, angry! I'm coming off again and I don't think I will go back on again, ever.

Diet?

Was extremely good today. Lots of protein and fruit and veggie juice to make up for lack of veggies on plate. They were good at SMO, though, providing food free of dairy products.


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Anger and irritation at slow-coach drivers forcing everyone behind them to proceed at 35mph in a 60mph stretch. Admittedly with lots of bends but they could easily have been taken at 55mph. Road was clear, dry, good visibility – no reason to go slow, whatsoever. Clueless idiot!

What feelings about differences did I notice?

Morning class was better than yesterday, but I felt stressed out by lack of cultural knowledge, and bogged down by my need to attend to every detail.

What went well today?
Fellow students were still speaking to me, sort of, most of them. I think I've made at least two new friends.
Tutor very generously offered to produce a soundfile of Scottish place names for me, with English versions, so I could go to a map of Scotland and find places for myself.
I was packed and ready to hand over key before breakfast.
I was where I needed to be, when I needed to be there.
Even bought a few prezzies that would be hard to get in Oban.
Thoroughly enjoyed singing with Oban Gaelic Choir, and being there for the beautiful fireworks to conclude the 2nd edition of Oban's Winter Festival. Very satisfying.

What emotional pangs did I notice?
Being alone. Even though I mixed and mingled with my pals from OGC, and was made to feel very welcome by a few of them, I still don't really feel like I belong. And I'm afraid I really bored the wife of one of the most popular guys. I'm sure she didn't want to talk about her work.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being organised.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Enjoying the amazing views in Skye and over in Lochalsh. Driving into the sunset for about two hours.

What did not go so well?

Frustrated in class to the point of tears choking me up when I asked for help. I felt like a twelve-year-old. Goodness.

Day Seventy-seven + 14 days w/o C + Day 2 with C

Feel anything but tired now – see below for reason why.

Differences after living without Concerta for two weeks and now second day back on?
Very nervy, short-tempered, didn't sleep at all well in a narrow bed and noisy building. The room was too warm. I tossed and turned, too hot, then too cold; hated my plugged-up ears.
Dreadful.

Diet?

Felt awful in the morning; must be the carbs from yesterday's cakes.


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Sitting in a classroom brought back a lot of awful memories. I had forgotten just how unhappy I was at school, but today brought a lot back.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I do have huge problems integrating new knowledge. Never noticed it quite so strongly before.

What went well today?
Great to meet my phone tutorial classmate. She's lovely. And the other classmates are ok, too.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Listening to some amazing music at Talla Mhòr. Up to 14 or so musicians on stage at one point, with an eclectic mix of instruments and styles. But really powerful vibes and rhythms. Awesome. I felt like a teenager. And I missed my days at Marian's Jazz Club in Bern. I do miss great live music.

What did not go so well?

Didn't really click with the teacher as a teacher. I like her as a person, but she seemed ill prepared and much too willing to embark on all kinds of discussions in English. That wasn't what I came all this way for, at all.

Day Seventy-seven + 14 days w/o + Day 1 with C

I know the header of this post is convoluted, but it's intended to reflect the fact that I decided to take 1x18mg of Concerta Extended Release (or whatever it's called) earlier this morning to help me focus on the long drive to Skye.

Differences after being off Concerta for two weeks and now on again?
Feel very focused, rather "fizzy" with excess energy.

Diet?

Have been very good, but caved in on the offer of yummy cakes after a fairly frugal dinner.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

It didn't feel very nice to sit next to young students who didn't have anything to say to me. Very awkward situation.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I talk more than others; I have few compunctions to sit with people 1/4 my age.

What went well today?
Excellent day all in all: was ready and left on time; great drive north, mostly on virtually untravelled roads; snow on the road at the highest bit by Glen Garry, but no problem with my snow tyres; fantastic views and really easy to find everything.
Enjoyed an informal evening chat with a Gaelic tutor, plus someone who's a resident student at SMO and a few other distance-learning students. Can't wait to meet my classmate from the phone tutorial tomorrow.

What strengths have I focused on today?

My sense of adventure.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Probably driving.

Day Seventy-seven + Day Fourteen without C

The evening before the night before the day I take a car trip up to Skye for a weekend of intensive Gaelic. Should be interesting. Very nervous.

Differences after living with Concerta?
Not sleeping so well, but may be related to upcoming trip.

Diet?

Feeling hungrier, and wanting more carbohydrates.


What went well today?
Wrote and sent out a few invoices; up-to-date on most things, even managed to clean my house and do the laundry.

What did not go so well?

Still have not touched my accounts, nor made that all-important phone-call to find out how everything hangs together.

Day Seventy-seven + Day Thirteen without Concerta

It never rains but it pours. For the actual rant, see end of this post.

Differences after living with Concerta?
My appetite has come back.

Diet?

Still ok, working harder to keep carbs at bay, and lack of time/winter season makes it more difficult to get truly fresh greens in. Still, a good meal of organic veg (carrots, leeks), eggs and bacon, with home-grown tatties. Preceded by an organic avocado with some fresh lime juice and a pinch of sea salt. Delicious, actually.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

I'm finding it really hard to remember more than two or three items at a time. Even having notes to refer to doesn't help because I forget to check.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I'm quick on the uptake, but sometimes too much so.

What went well today?
Had a good drive home from seeing Dr Sheard in Lochgilphead, with the road almost to myself.
Basically a good session with the specialist, who had taken pains to read a book about CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Some of the ideas merit being considered and put into practice.
One of them is to have a Done That Party every now and then, to celebrate the things we've achieved against the odds.
An old friend dropped by unexpectedly at a time when I had an equally unexpected gap in my diary (had forgotten about a student being away) and stayed for a wee chat.
I also enjoyed having a blaze in my wee fireplace while the wind and rain were battering the house.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Must keep at it. Want to keep at it.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Managed to stay in control when taxi-ing behind two vehicles doing 40mph on a 60mph stretch of good road.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Probably driving up the road. Also enjoyed a brief walk about Lochgilphead in the mild and sunny weather.

What did not go so well?

New computer and software hugely disappointing. So much new stuff to be learned, so much adapting to be done. Wasted hours again on the phone to people. They try to be helpful but they're not, not really. Arrrrghh!
Also, I continue to overdose on TV