Day Sixty-nine

Halloween!

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Worried about my Godmother and some friends who live in the path of destruction of super storm "Sandy".
Frustration at some rather poorly designed language course material.
 
What feelings about differences did I notice?

none. Other students felt exactly the same.

What went well today?
Managed to get myself ready for my phone tutorial, and managed to get a few other things sorted in time; even did some laundry.
Was "trick-or-treated" by a friend's kids and had a treat ready for them.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Focus. Stay in touch.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Focus

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Dunno.



What did not go so well?
Felt really frustrated at one point and upset.

Day Sixty-eight

Lochgilphead today.
Third consultation with my specialist, Dr. Sheard. Reported on subtle changes, will be phasing Concerta out and observe any differences.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None. Good day, by and large.

What went well today?
Good drive south and back again. Felt confident and relaxed. I know this road well now, better for having driven it just recently in much worse conditions. But some professional drivers go much too fast.
Had a lovely e-mail from one of my longest-standing friends.
Sent of an e-mail requesting assistance from the local Time Bank, where I've "deposited" dozens if not hundreds of hours of volunteering in the past three years or so. Time to get something back.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

What?

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Driving? Sitting by Bellanoch Bridge listening to the rain and watching the submerged land?



What did not go so well?
Have still not touched my accounting stuff. But have made a step in the right direction.

Day Sixty-seven

A busy, fractured day; lots of work done.
What emotional pangs did I notice today?


Didn't have time.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

?

What went well today?
Got lots done, happy clients. Good choir meeting in the evening, too.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

keep on keeping on.

What strengths have I focused on today?

The usual

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Dunno. I've been too busy really.



What did not go so well?
My bum hurts from sitting down all the time. Really sore.

Day Sixty-six

Ah, Sunday. Taking it as easy as I can but feeling so much better after a really good night's sleep. Started reading a cracking book last night and am going to finish it.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None
 
What feelings about differences did I notice?

Few

What went well today?
My friends called to check up on me. Another friend called. Another one e-mailed.
I got my winter tyres fitted and filled up my screenwash with anti-freeze – now I feel ready for almost anything that may come my way in the weeks ahead. One final trip to the garage next week, to sort out my brake pads (still well within the legal limits).

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep in touch with the world.

What strengths have I focused on today?

I'm learning to be more of my own person, less dependent on others but not a recluse, either.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Reading a fascinating historic novel about Scotland in the late 17th century.



What did not go so well?
Ach, I've still not touched my accounts. How many weeks? I dread to think of it.

Day Sixty-five

Interesting day. Long conversation with a virtual stranger; cleaned my car windows inside and out; ventured south on a bad, very wet, leaf-strewn road with a knackered front tyre. Felt bad and turned around without sharing a meal with friends. Got home, treated myself to some delicious, home-cooked food and a glass of lovely rosé. Now I'm off to an early night.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Feeling completely out of place among early Halloween revellers.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

Ditto

What went well today?
Got most things done I had planned to do; didn't have an accident on a dangerous road and in nasty conditions.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Wouldn't really want to.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Ability to focus, flexibility.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Dunno.



What did not go so well?
The sudden feeling of being completely out of place, way beyond my comfort zone, exposed and vulnerable.

Day Sixty-four

A decent day. Lots of sunshine. Freezing, though!

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

I don't seem to be able to find anyone who would go to enjoy a meal and some (loud) live music with me tomorrow night. It'd be so nice not to be no. 5 but part of a two-some in the company of two other two-somes.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I can think really fast when I have to.
I have an amazing level of enthusiasm.

What went well today?
Good one-to-one Gaelic class, topped off by a chat over a lovely cup of mocha accompanied by excellent chocolate, 70% cocoa, no sugar added. The flavour is just amazing.
Good feedback from happy client.
Workload feels manageable just now, but house is in a mess.
Picked a wee handful of wood-strawberries, pale but oh so sweet!

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on. 
Stay focused.
Stay organised.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Focusing. Musicality.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Listening to our choir on the BBC iPlayer – the applause at the end of our performance is just amazing! Shame it's no longer available.



What did not go so well?
Didn't sleep all that great. Woke up a few times, feeling hot, then chilly. So tedious.
The floor underfoot feels really cold despite a woolen carpet in the sitting-room.

Day Sixty-three

A glorious autumn day, mild in the sun and at midday; got suddenly a lot colder towards evening.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?


Too busy to notice.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I'm such a stickler for details.

What went well today?
Kept good time for my various appointments and commitments.
Shipped off a translation in good time; kept up with other ones.
Encouraging dental appointment to see whether my recurrent mouth sores can be sorted.
Good walk right across town and back again.
Typed up my TO DO list, and also typed up a HAVE DONE list! 
I get a lot done in a day, even if I don't get to some of the things that I should.
Booked hair appointment for next week.
At last caught up with plumber who has not been very forthcoming re new taps in kitchen and bathroom. 
Took phone calls from ACHA people re water ingress from ACHA flat into mine.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on. Keep checking up on clients, workmen – but why should I have to do that?

What strengths have I focused on today?

Ability to juggle quite a few things at the same time.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?

In meditation during Tai chi class.
Walking to hospital and back again in glorious sunshine.

Chatting to some friends I ran into along the way.

What did not go so well?
Have not touched my accounting at all, at all. 
Watched TV late into the night.

Day Sixty-two

I'm still on 1x18mg Concerta Controlled Release. Not planning to increase and hoping to come off after next week's consultation.
What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Little of note.
 
What feelings about differences did I notice?

I can get quite a lot more done in a short time when I put my mind to it, i.e. when my mind's in decent shape.

What went well today?
Had a decent night's sleep and woke a minute before the alarm.
Did lots of very urgent translation work in the morning, plus checking e-mails, responding and shipping off translations to clients, both early and then late again.
Dealt with water ingress issues at my flat (lots of phone-calls!); totted up amount of time spent just dealing with this: at least 7 hours!!
Prepped my Gaelic phone tutorial and managed to finish half an hour before it started.
Prepared and ate a lovely bowl of mostly home-grown salad with lots of fresh herbs.
 
How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Language, improving interpersonal skills

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Probably when sitting in the sun in the garden for almost half an hour.
Saw the wee rabbit scampering off again.


What did not go so well?
Still have not touched my accounts, or tidied the house.
Watched lots of TV, late into the night.

Day Sixty-one

Had a text from my goddaughter recently. She wants to know more about my "sudden" ADD/ADHD. I've explained the basics in an e-mail.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None, I don't think. There wasn't time.
 
What feelings about differences did I notice?

I'm a lot less organised than I'd like to be. 
Find keeping to routines really hard, and keeping to plans.
I just LOVE to improvise.

What went well today?
Good ESOL class; lovely to welcome back a few students. Not sustainable if only four of them are in the classroom, though.
Visited my tenants to see how much damage the two water ingress incidents have caused. They had only just painted everything very nicely! 
Posted off my goddaughter's daughter's wee booties.
Took phone call from my goddaughter and learnt she was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. I don't think I ever knew, or if I did, I had completely forgotten. But have been thinking of her quite a lot (and of her mum) ever since I "found" my diagnosis. We'll see. It was a very good chat.
Took phone call from another friend, local, and enjoyed catching up. Have an invitation to join them for dinner/live music on Saturday evening. Lovely.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on. Stay in touch with friends.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Punctuality. Diversity.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Not too sure.



What did not go so well?
Still haven't managed to touch my accounting stuff. Am having restless night-time moments about it. Time flies!

Day Sixty

A tough day. So much pressure from so many sides, and exhausted from last week.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Felt quite lonely much of the time. Grey sky doesn't help.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

Ah well, I AM different. So what?

What went well today?
Managed to ship off work in time, and wrote invoice
Read LRB Diary and article about Gaelic (wasteful or not?)

Cooked nice dinner

Sorted out coffee mess

Picked and tidied old mushrooms

Chatted with neighbours Jean/husband Duncan, saw Ginger, one of my neighbours' tom-cat

Saw wee rabbit skipping off – seems to live here

Tried Mac updates, had to call the Apple help centre, ordered new OS version, which is only available on CD-ROM

Updated all my diaries (iCal, paper, phone)
Dealt with damp issues and rent deposit stuff for house I live in

Dealt with emergency at my tenants' flat
Picked and tidied away old and now very ugly-looking mushrooms in the garden
Chatted with neighbours

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Not so sure.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Working in the garden for a wee while when the sun came out later in the day.



What did not go so well?
Not pleased having to deal with yet another water ingress crisis at my flat. Arrrrgh! It's the last thing I need. My poor tenants. 
Felt really frazzled and hyper, yet tired.

Day Fifty-nine

Back from Glasgow. Exhausted now. The stress of the past few days is really kicking in.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None.
 What feelings about differences did I notice?

I am so much better off than some of the young a-ADDers I met in Glasgow today.

What went well today?
Good session with the Mac guy; feel encouraged to tweak, manage and upgrade my trusted MacBook and really make this happen. Have dithered long enough!
Found wee starter booties for my goddaughter's baby, one pair was a real bargain!
Interesting meeting with ADDBalance support group members, most (but not all) from the Glasgow area. 
Lovely drive to Glasgow and back; found where I needed to be quite easily.
En route, visited an old friend who lives in the sticks. Enjoyed the meal my friend prepared, and the blether and the company, and the night-time drive home under a star-spangled canopy and in a night light up by the clear half-moon. Gorgeous!

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on. Look forward to my November trip already.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Becoming a better listener.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Driving through the gorgeous autumn countryside. Looking at the stars from a raised bog shrouded in the mist.



What did not go so well?
Arrived at least half an hour late for the monthly ADDBalance support group meeting.
Nearly got lost leaving Glasgow because I misinterpreted the TomTom instruction!

Day Fifty-eight

Back from Dunoon. A gorgeous bus journey after a lovely morning singing with many other choirs. Glasgow tomorrow!

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Felt a bit lonely on the bus back to Oban. Everyone else seemed to be asleep, either because they were just exhausted (one or two of them), or because they were sleeping off their total hangovers.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I can only take being part of a crowd for so long.

What went well today?
Was up in good time, managed to be where I needed to be at the time I needed to be there, and still managed to enjoy some time to myself, taking photos of the beach, the sky, the water, Dunoon, mixed choirs. It was lovely to see the sun, too. Today truly felt like a holiday.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Stay out there, grab the moment, not lose sight of things that need doing.

What strengths have I focused on today?

see above.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
see above.

Day Fifty-seven

Still in Dunoon – big day today, and we did ourselves as proud as we could.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None. Felt connected to several people, at least during the day. 

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I still hate it when folk get drunk.

What went well today?
We came 4th in the major mixed-choir competition. Best result for us in years and years. Proud to have been part of it.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Stick with it.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Ability to jolt brain into gear even when it doesn't want to. Deal with wee emergency in a fairly decent, professional manner.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Singing, performing on stage, enjoying the enthusiastic applause.



What did not go so well?
Sleep still eluded me last night, although it was a bit better than previous two nights.

Day Fifty-six

Away with Oban Gaelic Choir until Saturday, so this is brief.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Finding my feet with the Choir. Tastes are different, and so are energy levels.
 
What feelings about differences did I notice?

I so don't like to get drunk.

What went well today?
Gratified to have had the company of two other choir members yesterday evening when attending a Clarsach and Song Concert. Lovely!
How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on asking folk, do what suits me, not go with the crowd.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being my own person, eating as well as I can in a place that doesn't really cater for people like me.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Singing at choir practice. Being out in the rain. Walking back to hotel along the shore and discovering a couple of "secret" alleyways leading to the pebbly beach.



What did not go so well?
Very poor sleep last night; disrupted by car horn outside; woken up by roommate; tossing and turning in uncomfortable bed, now hot, then cold; didn't like to wake my roommate to take extra blanket out of plastic sheath...

Day Fifty-five

Travelled to Dunoon earlier today, in a mini-bus with about 14 other fellow choristers from Oban Gaelic Choir.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Didn't really have time.
What feelings about differences did I notice?

I hate it when people get drunk. Disgusting!

What went well today?
Gratified to have had the company of two other choir members earlier this evening when attending a Clarsach and Song Concert.
The three of us ventured into the howling wind and driving rain, enjoyed a sterling fish & chips or chicken & chips, and managed to almost dry out in the warm concert venue. It was still howling a gale on our way back, but we were given a lift by kind friends of one of my choir pals.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Go out there, be a bit more adventurous.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Trying to take everything with a pinch of salt and a lot of humour.
Standing up for myself and telling the whole choir about the concert; not going with the flow and enjoying what I really do enjoy: lovely, quality, quiet music.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Listening to all the musicians and singers, some of them so very young and so very talented.

Day Fifty-four - let's talk complements

Only this evening realised it's ADHD awareness week! I would love to give Delivered from Distraction to everyone around me... :)

What a beautiful, busy day! Mind you, I overslept, big time, only getting up just before 10am. And was chasing my tail all day long.
Only took my 18mg Concerta at about 2pm, because I kept forgetting to take it.
Which reminds me that I've been meaning to discuss complements.

Have been finding 1x18mg Concerta Controlled release does the trick, in conjunction with one cup of strong coffee early-ish in the day, plus 2 x 1000 mg Fish Oil capsules (rich in Omega-3 EPA & DHA, vit. E), taken morning and evening, plus 2-3 x Calcium Magnesium Citrate (Solgar), i.e. 2-3 x 100 mg Magnesium citrate/2-3 x 200 mg Calcium citrate (taken in the evening and before bedtime).
(Not very happy to find the CMC has been shipped across the Atlantic, and the fish oil capsules are "sourced in southern oceans" and contain soy-based vit. E)

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Not many. Chatted to the lovely couple at the local health-food shop and found them very reassuring and kind indeed. I've been a good customer, but they do go out of their way to find good stuff for folks.
 What feelings about differences did I notice?

I notice many things others overlook. But I'm not perfect.

What went well today?
By the skin of my teeth, shipped off two major pieces of work before heading out and away from my desk/computer for the rest of the week.
Walked into town and back (with two heavy shopping bags).
Enjoyed the sun and the glorious views across Oban Bay.
Enjoyed the look of the sky around sunset and throughout dusk. So pretty.
Discovered the identity of a flock of birds whose underwings flash whitely many an evening above one of the houses on the horizon: simple pigeons. But what a gorgeous sight they make when they fly in harmony, much like starlings. 
Money situation somewhat more relaxed.
Sent off a stern reminder to a tardy client with a poor reputation – paid through the nose for a recorded letter they will have to sign for. Not a peep out of them since I sent an e-mail reminder, followed by a letter, followed by another e-mail. Hope this will stir them up, and a warning to follow-up by taking legal steps against them. We'll see. Hate to do this, though!
Found a note on facebook by someone in the Glasgow group who finally gathered courage to go back to their GP – and found a new person listening with great sympathy and interest. So pleased!

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Stop and smell the roses by the wayside.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Focusing. Hyperfocus to the point where I've not had any fluids in between meals.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Working, getting stuff done. Walking. Chatting with folk. Sharing smiles with strangers. Walking with purpose and energetically.



What did not go so well?
Overslept.
I've not touched my accounts.
Still haven't called the plumber.
Haven't told my landlord about the broken (and replaced) de-humidifier.

Day Fifty-three

Another gloriously beautiful day after a freezing cold night (some folk saw the Northern Lights! not me, alas). Slept with a cap on my head!

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Very tired, stressed-out, fragile-feeling.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I truly find it hard to sit still, and be patient with people who are slow on the uptake.

What went well today?
Shipped off big translation job and got stuck into a smaller one that also needs doing by tomorrow.
Got identification of a mushroom that grows in my garden: edible, tasty, yummy! Picked and ate a small portion. Picked some lettuce – getting late in the year. Ate some home-grown tatties.
Bumped into a few folk on my four walks into town and back again. One a teacher friend I haven't seen for about a year.
MOT ok.
Booked laptop for overhaul and upgrade. Will have to drive to Glasgow as there are no trains/buses that get me into the city by noon on a Sunday!

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Walk more, garden more, work hard.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being able to focus when absolutely necessary.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Sitting in the sun; picking mushrooms; taking photos of flowers; walking back from town and into town again to pick up car, then into town and back again before and after choir practice. Cold, clear, calm weather. Very satisfying.



What did not go so well?
Realised I've invited a friend for lunch tomorrow. Yikes, not ready!

Day Fifty-two

A gorgeous day. Was hoiked out of bed at 9 by the sun drawing tiny rainbows on my ceiling through a chink in the curtains – I have a small piece of many-faceted "crystal" in the window.

18mg Concerta seems to be plenty. I feel considerably less "wired" than I have in the past.


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None. Felt connected to a number of fellow choristers. Miss my truly personal friends, though.
 What feelings about differences did I notice?

I have a low tolerance threshold for people singing out of tune.

What went well today?
Decent day. 
Made good progress on a large translation job.
Did laundry, hoovered the house, shook out duvets, pillows, cushions, blankets, wraps and throws. Took photographs and am hoping to get an identification of some (very yummy) fungi that grow in great profusion in the grass.
Attended extra Gaelic choir practice – it'll all be over in less than a week's time!
Fed myself well, on fresh lettuce, chicken, one mushroom, pink pig potatoes, and avoiding wheat carbs and sweets. Indulged myself with a sizeable chunk of very dark organic chocolate and a bowl of frozen raspberries and blackberries, organic if not all home-grown.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Don't want to do that kind of housekeeping every day, but my windows could use a clean.


What strengths have I focused on today?

Focus, diversity, wide range of interests.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Working in the house; picking blackberries for immediate consumption. Photographing the sky and mushrooms.



What did not go so well?
Still have not continued work on my accounts. Windows still need cleaning. Garden looks pretty untidy, tatties need digging up – I suppose many of them will be rotten by the time I get round to them.

Day Fifty-one

Switched lights out at about 1am this morning and, after a few moments of listening to my body thrumming with Concerta, managed to sleep very soundly until the alarm went at 8:45. Turned over and snoozed on – until 10:30!

Pressure continues: two translation jobs that must be done by Tuesday, one of them a real biggie, fascinating and challenging at so many levels.

It was 12:30pm when I realised I had not taken my usual 2x18mg Concerta. Decided to take just one and see how that goes.
Fine enough, can tell no difference, except I fell less wired now it's getting time for bed.

What went well today?
Saw "my" wee rabbit again, hopping away into the brambles on the steep slope – an ideal hideout.
Harvested some of my lovely red curly lettuce; there's lots more, provided the frost holds off, and picked my very first home-grown cranberries – how cool's that? Also have a lovely clump of coriander growing out there that's looking really healthy and tastes fantastic.
Cooked a very nice meal (red cabbage, leeks, chicken, salad decorated with nasturtium blossoms and coriander leaves).
Had a bath, first in months. Heated up and dried off the excess steam using my new dehumidifier, which works like a charm. Well worth the money (will still ask landlords for a contribution as soon as they're back from their sabbatical.)
Another longish phone-conversation with my lovely client, discovering old connections, someone who helped us both along the way and made a big difference in our professional lives. Kudos to encouragers.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Have promised myself to make sure there's plenty of hot water next Saturday evening for a leisurely bath.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Cooking, working hard.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?

A lot of the time, actually. A good day!

What did not go so well?
Procrastination continues the same as ever. I need someone to whip me to the post of accounting, even to that of some of the longer translation pieces.
My bum sores are improving but still not as good as they should be. Must stop picking the scabs...

Day Fifty

Hugely busy day, pressure, pressure, pressure...

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

No time for such things.

What went well today?
Managed to get (apparently) urgent work done for dear and prestigious client.
Pushed myself to attend a public presentation of a new book about Scotland's first "national walking trail" – from a small town in the Borders right up to Cape Wrath.
Walked into town and home again.
Met a few friends I've not seen for ages, which was really nice.
One of them has finally managed to get herself an internet connection from home, which is really good for her.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on. Not that I really want this kind of high-pressure work on a regular basis.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being able to focus and work quite well under pressure.




At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Talking quality with my client.

What did not go so well?

Overslept, took Concerta at about 10:30am. 
Woke from a fascinating, vivid dream but only managed to make a note of it at about 11:30 at night.

Felt totally stressed-out and "wired" during my Gaelic one-to-one lesson, wondering (not for the first time) what benefit I draw from this (expensive) lesson. 


 

Day Forty-nine

The weather's broken, it's been a grey, chilly day. Damp, too. Lots of reports of flooding have come in from further south. One of my friends, my Tai chi instructor, is down there. Hope she's ok.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Loneliness.
Procrastinating BIG TIME!

What feelings about differences did I notice?


None. I'm as good a procrastinator as ever: started actual work after 5pm but then swung into quite an impressive output.

What went well today?
Sorted out a change in programme for November and have sorted, if not yet arranged for, transport details.
Completed a shortish translation and sorted out queries regarding a longer piece. Another satisfied customer.


How can I make it happen more regularly?

Stay focused. Work hard.
 
What strengths have I focused on today?
I can focus.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Did some voluntary (computer) work. Feel a bit more connected.

Day Forty-eight

Regret having slept through two nights when I could have been seeing the Northern Lights from Ganavan Beach.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

A bit tired.

What feelings about differences did I notice?


Not many.

What went well today?
Kept my head down and dealt with a client's very urgent work. Satisfied customer.
Have been staying away from food that doesn't agree with me.
My untravellable friend sent me two parcels that arrived earlier today: some lovely Swiss chocolate and another friend's new novel. Delighted. Called her straight away and had a lovely chat, during which I spotted the bunny rabbit preening itself in the exact same spot that my foster cat used to occupy. I miss her but having a rabbit in the garden is quite nice, too. Just hope it won't devastate too many of my plants...
Saw a Tortoiseshell butterfly. And the resident Robin redbreast is singing his wee heart out, bless him!
Shipped off an edited source text to a client, arguing the case for good copy and serious copy editing. We'll see what he says.
Remembered to call the dental department at the hospital – have been referred on for my persistent and recurrent mouth sores.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on.
 
What strengths have I focused on today?
Focus. 
At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Discussing language questions. I do know what I'm doing. 

Physically, I feel quite tired. My posterior is sore from all the sitting; I've got lots of sores, itchy and worse than ever – have had them for some time but they're getting worse. Have recently started taking better care and hope they'll clear up.                             

Day Forty-seven

Glorious day. Warm in the sun. Mild, no wind. Just lovely.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Better today. Facing facts.
What feelings about differences did I notice?


None.

What went well today?
Managed to sit down for 45 minutes and work on my accounts. It's such painstaking work!  A wee bunny rabbit sat in the grass.
My last ESOL class before the autumn break had dwindled down to one student, so my assistant teacher let me get on with my own stuff.
Spent two hours in the garden instead, soaking up the sun and loving every minute.
Neighbours were out too, and enjoyed a couple of lovely chats.
Had a good book club session; learnt a lot about the Scottish health-care system, ambulances, hospitals. We're an interesting bunch.
Sat down immediately to e-mail out a brief report about the meeting.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Have to keep on going even when I'm not up for it.
 
What strengths have I focused on today?
Cooked another decent meal with fresh lettuce and herbs.
Have stayed away from unsuitable food.
Picked some more brambles and strawberries!

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
When I was out in the garden. 

Day forty-six

Gorgeous, but icy weather. We've had such a good run of great weather, dry and often sunny.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Hit crisis point in the middle of the afternoon, feeling I'll NEVER get on top of my accounts again. I HATE that kind of work and don't want to do it.
But I also want to know whether I've been paying too much income tax.
How do I find out of this conundrum?

What feelings about differences did I notice?


I'm one in 20,000 adults in Scotland. That's lots of us.

What went well today?
Took my accounting stuff into town in the morning and had an hour of input.
Spoke to the accountant about my condition. Her nephew has it.
Got home and eventually sat down to start making some changes – got utterly confused in the process.
Discovered there are some cranberries ripening in the garden!
Freed a Tortoiseshell butterfly that had trapped itself inside my sitting room.
Posted some of my photos for my Swiss friend to see.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Have to keep on going even when I'm not up for it.
 
What strengths have I focused on today?
Cooked me a nice meal in the middle of the afternoon.
Have stayed away from unsuitable food.
Picked some bramble berries. 

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Dunno. I've not felt very authentically myself lately.

Day forty-five

Sunday.

Extra choir practice from 10, started singing at about 10:45, until 1, then from just before 2 until 4. A long but worthwhile slog.

Spoke with my friend and had a really enjoyable conversation. There's nothing that will divide us; we've known each other for so long, seen each other through so many troughs. I'm glad to know she's got a fair few good friends and has had much training in self-help.

I've made an appointment to see an accountant tomorrow. Here's hoping I can get my bookkeeping sorted and back on track. The backlog is huge.

Day Forty-four

Not too bad a day. Lovely weather, if chilly.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Woke up feeling less awful. My friend's not being here has lifted some stress. In all honesty, I was feeling a bit out of my depth.

What feelings about differences did I notice?


I'm not that different...

What went well today?
Walked outdoors a bit.
Enjoyed a Gaelic coffee morning and a choir performance in the evening.
Met a friendly woman whom I hope to see again.
 
How can I make it happen more regularly?

Have to keep on going out even when I'm not really up for it.
 
What strengths have I focused on today?
Cooked me a nice meal in the middle of the afternoon.
Stayed away from tea and starchy nibbles at the concert. It's great that people are so generous with food and beverages, but why does it always have to be coffee or tea late in the evening? And why is there always only white bread and loads, I mean LOADS of starchy stuff to eat? 

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Dunno. I've not felt very authentically myself lately.

Day Forty-three

Checked on my friend to make sure she's ok. She is. Sad, feeling dejected, feeling she's let me down. I love her. I want her to be well and safe and making sure she's doing what she needs to do to be well and safe.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Sadness.

What went well today?
Had a good Gaelic session. Enjoyed the lovely weather.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Don't remember.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Maybe when I drove into town? Dunno.

Day Forty-two

My friend's not coming. Am feeling awful.

Spent half the night worrying how I'd get everything done in time for her visit and whether she would perceive my busy schedule as a message that I don't really have time for her – which so isn't true! Eventually, I almost overslept.

Had just finished getting her room ready when the phone rang. It was her, sobbing that she had not been able to embark on her journey: too daunting. Like me, she has only quite recently been properly diagnosed – with a fairly severe form of bi-polar. We were both born in the year of the dragon, 1952, and have battled to survive for so many years without really knowing what has been dragging us down and holding us back.

Needless to say I'm devastated to hear that her hopes have yet again been dashed (and mine) and that she feels an utter and total failure.
Alarmed to hear she was really scared to tell me and expected me to slam the phone down on her – she used a much more graphic, violent image. Is that the effect I'm having on people?

It has recently come to my notice that others have felt alienated, totally freaked out even, by my manner. It was the trigger for my quest.


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Loneliness, despair, loss, fear – fear for my friend more than for myself.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I'll never be the same as anyone else – not that I'd want that...

What went well today?
Met another Swiss friend for lunch. He was passing through. I blurted it all out to him and it felt good to have a kind of "shoulder to cry" on...
Trying to focus on eating healthily.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Picking up the pieces and getting on with it, regardless.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Never, not really.

Day Forty-one

A good day, by and large. Woke just before the alarm. Took my 2x18mg Concerta late, though, and no more than that.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Ach, the usual. Occasional feelings of isolation much mitigated by a sense of purpose: my friend's arriving tomorrow evening, much to do before she gets here.

What went well today?
Positive feedback from clients; more work shipped off; Gaelic work done on time; good phone tutorial; great news from another old friend, who's been putting us all to shame with her efforts to improve her fitness. Laundry done, garden tidied, blackberries picked in between showers; chat enjoyed with neighbour; photo taken of the night sky; rainbows and shooting star admired.
Done some research on ADD and food.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Look at the sky more often?

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being able to focus; my ability to think and (thanks to the computer) write fast and almost without errors (although I have to watch myself). Have many useful my skills. Can get so much done in a short time when things are right.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Picking blackberries still dripping with a recent heavy shower.

Would much prefer my occupation to be less sedentary and more physically demanding. Staring at a computer screen is not good for me – my body cramps up and I don't breathe well. Can't be good for any brain!

Day Forty

Saw my GP this morning and introduced him to "Delivered from Distraction".
I doubt he knows just how awful it is to live with ADD/ADHD. And I'm not sure Concerta is helping in the way I was hoping.
Some things ARE better than before: I sleep better. I do seem to get more done in a day. I seem to be able to stick a bit better to tasks I've set myself.
The GP suggested I continue on 2x18mg/d of Concerta until I see the specialist at the end of the month. Seems a long way to go on something I'm not sure is making the crucial difference I was hoping for.

I want to explore the correlation of nutrition and ADD/ADHD.
Lots of information on the web, too much, really! How does one choose?
-- This one seems as good a place to start as any: http://borntoexplore.org/nutrition.htm
And then there are some that also attracted my attention:
-- http://www.attentiondeficit-add-adhd.com/adhd-nutrition.htm
-- http://www.all-natural.com/add.html#success (focuses on child ADD/ADHD, but has some useful pointers on nutrition and other therapies).

I also want to ask for a referral to some form of behavioural therapy, but could use some input now rather than in a month's time!


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Felt fragile, tired, discouraged – there is SO MUCH I have to do, be aware of, stay on top of just to function like everyone else – it feels like too much!

What went well today?
• Had a decent night's sleep, only waking once, and remembering an interesting (political!) dream before waking at about 8:40am. 
• Got to the Surgery just in time (still had to wait for about ten minutes, but I'd rather do that than holding everything up).
• Felt a bit distracted by the presence of a nurse on her first day in training to take medical notes. (I was perfectly fine with having her there; turns out we know each other from one of the local clubs... This is a small place!) Still, I did manage to remember four of the six things I wanted to discuss with the GP F

How can I make it happen more regularly?

• Want to try and get to bed before midnight, every night.
• Want to keep my diaries updated.

What strengths have I focused on today?

• Ability to get a lot done in a short time: I can be super-efficient.

Day Thirty-nine

After just five days I have reduced my Concerta intake to 2x18mg/d – hated the side-effects of 3x18mg/d:
loss of appetite, nausea, headaches, a jitteriness beyond belief.

I'd rather be unfocused than feel this way!

Not very good, but feel a lot better this evening than the past few, and while I don't mind having lost a bit of weight, not wanting to eat for days is just not me.

What went well today?
• Managed to keep on top of urgent deadlines as far as paid work goes.
• The suitcase that went AWOL yesterday was found in the Isle of Skye (!) and returned to Oban on the 12:30 bus, where I was able to retrieve it! Can't even begin to describe the relief of not having to re-print about 150 pages of Gaelic lesson scripts, and of having to try and re-create the notes I took during the Saturday workshop on Public Service Interpreting.
• Managed to sort out my receipts for the past few months, and chase up slow-paying clients, and realised I had not done this since June! Not good, but better now than not at all. Given that four or five of my invoices have been unpaid for over two months, it's no wonder my budget has been feeling tight!
• Managed to get to my appointments away from home – (just) in time.
• Walked into town and home again, about four miles. Not much, but better than nothing.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

I need to keep on top of my accounting. It's an integral part of my paid work and I need to treat it as such.

What strengths have I focused on today?

• Being able to focus; being able to pull out all the stops if required.
• Actually being able to evaluate quite well how much time a particular job will take.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Walking to and from town in the wind and the rain.