Day Thirty-eight

Another virtually sleepless night – I don't know why.

Felt unable to eat all my breakfast, which consisted of some fruit juice, a bit of porridge with maple syrup, and half a cup of coffee. I was given the gorgeous fresh fruit to take with me, plus a banana , which I ate at Edinburgh Bus Station.

I'm totally exhausted after a stressful bus journey back to Oban. Initially really great, and very pleased to be on a bus whose driver was excellent, a much quieter young chap than the guy on Friday afternoon, focused and circumspect.
But not pleased with the bus company, who failed to inform their drivers of a significant road closure affecting their services from Glasgow to Oban/Fort William/Dundee... This led to disruptions and delays, confusion and hassle at the meeting point of routes in Tyndrum. I was the only passenger for Oban on that particular journey but my driver had to wait for delayed passengers from Glasgow who were going to Fort William, so I went off for some quick hot food at the Good Food Café, which I love.

When I got back, all the other passengers had just transferred to another Ft. William bus. One of them – possibly one of the drivers – must have grabbed my bag and put it on the other bus, because when the Oban bus came in and I transferred, my bag was nowhere to be found.

My driver phoned the Ft. William office immediately. He was soo apologetic – not least because he could also have transferred me onto an Oban bound bus that left almost as soon as we arrived in Tyndrum. Only I didn't realise that and no-one told me. Armed with information and phone numbers, I travelled on to Oban on an uneventful journey.

The quieter drivers enabled me to read on in Delivered from Distraction, which I found riveting.

I even managed to be one of the first to arrive at the hall where Oban Gaelic choir had an extra practice.

But later in the afternoon, I was unimpressed by the bus office in Fort William, who informed me that my bag had not been found. And by the fact that the manager never bothered to call me back. I eventually managed to make contact with her at about 7pm, giving a few more details of my bag that, in Tyndrum, I hadn't thought of in the heat of the moment. She suggested I should call again after ten tomorrow morning, saying the bag might have gone on to Skye!

I live in hope of getting this bag back; totted up its value, including contents, which comes to about £500. Amazing. I'd be so stressed out if I had to re-print all my Gaelic lessons and yesterday's notes. Why oh why did I not leave them in my computer case? Because they were heavy.

Still fizzing with nerves and stress. But hoping to have a better night's sleep now I'm back in my own bed.

What went well? 

Glad I transferred colleagues' contact details onto my computer, which is with me, and even typed up a few e-mails to them which I'm planning to e-mail off tomorrow.
Got to the bus station early; could even have changed my itinerary to take a bus via Glasgow. In hindsight it might have saved me a lot of hassle.

Day Thirty-seven

Again, written from memory on the next day.

Virtually sleepless night: first, a faint, but persistent smell of smoke came drifting into my room, which is a ground-floor one at the back of the house, overlooking a lovely garden patio. A fountain tinkles just outside. Some people may find that noise soothing; I find it grates on my ears. But my room was hot so there was no remedy but to keep the window on its slanting open position.

Very comfy memory-foam mattress and lots of pillows but I just couldn't find the right position and must've woken every hour or even more frequently. Drinking that tea didn't help but I was so very thirsty and needed something other than just water.

I've been feeling a bit queasy much of the time for the past few days, and headachy if I don't get enough fluids.

The day went well, though. I found my way to the bus stop and onto the right bus to carry me right across the city and out the other side to the Heriot Watt University campus. A confusing warren of buildings, but we eventually managed to find the right places.

Interesting lecture/discussion on Public Service Interpreting followed by an ok lunch at an Italian place not too far. Got a lift from someone who described kids and a husband I'm sure fall within the ADD/ADHD spectrum, so mentioned my recent diagnosis, just in case. Will see whether she responds.

In the afternoon, travelled back into town with a couple of interpreter/translator friends; met up with a Creative Writing friend and eventually walked for quite a distance. Ended up not having dinner – feeling queasy and reluctant to sit alone in a restaurant filled with family groups and couples. So came back to my B&B where I had a banana and some cashew nuts, plus plenty of fluids. Disappointingly, my well-meaning landlady doesn't seem to understand the concept of non-caffeinated beverages and placed a box of green tea rather than mint on my hospitality tray. So I've made do with just hot water.

Room cooler; I live in hope of a decent night's sleep.                                            

What went well today?
Realised that being an ADDult who can hyperfocus has made me an excellent translator/interpreter. Most of us have such a wide range of interests.

Day Thirty-six

This post written up from memory, a few days later.

In Edinburgh after a four-hour bus journey, direct from Oban to E's Bus Station. Very chatty young driver; I'd say he's got classic symptoms of ADHD. Could use some improved self-management skills as I suspect he ended up totaly hypglycemic and dehydrated: as we approached Edinburgh, notorious for its endless-seeming tramway works and highly inconvenient detours, he became increasingly impatient and quite abusive of pedestrians and drivers in his path. I found that quite disappointing because he was a really lovely, friendly guy at the beginning of the journey.

As I emerged from the very pleasant Bus Station, I was totally confused by all the construction work in the vicinity. The aspect of streets and pedetrian access have changed almost beyond recognition. After about fifteen minutes of traipsing about I ended up asking a young taxi driver for directions. Eventually got a (paid) lift from him. While he was very friendly, I remain  unimpressed by the fact that his private company does not have ready-made receipts for business passengers. Still, insisted on getting one all the same.

Got in just before 8pm and didn't feel like going out again, so made do with a couple of shortbread biscuits from the hospitality tray and what I took to be red-berry infusion – turned out to be black tea with a bit of red berries. Not good!

Otherwise, this very swanky B&B is comfy enough, very large double bed, very swish shower room, all beautifully appointed. Huge flat-screen TV.

I've been on 3x18mg Concerta now and am absolutely fizzing with the stress of the day. At least some kind of irritating, beeping alarm in the dining room area has been turned off.
Hope I can sleep.

Day Thirty-five

Second day on 3x18mg. Calming down now, but felt really quite jittery throughout the afternoon and couldn't get my heart-rate down in a short meditation session at the end of my weekly Tai chi class.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None, a good day – total contrast to yesterday! Seem to be finding the balance again.
One of the best moments must've been when I found my copy of Delivered from Distraction – I had stuffed it into my computer bag, which I took along a week ago to be able to fill in any "empty" time in between appointments. And of course there weren't, so the book (and the computer) remained in the bag. So much for being "Delivered from Distraction", eh?!

What went well today?

Managed a wee internet access crisis quite well and got a lot done in the time I was "incomunicada".

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Oh, I don't want this to happen more regularly – at all!

What strengths have I focused on today?

Focus is the operative word here. Getting lots done in a short time – when conditions are right!

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Much of the time, actually.

Day Thirty-four

Have decided to up the dosage and took 2x18mg just after 9am, plus 1x18mg at about 11am.
Got up feeling fine and rearing to go, but a phone call threw me off balance. Procrastination kicked in big time.

After a fairly chilly hour from about 11 to about 12noon, it was a wonderfully sunny, mild day.
Just before midday I went out to pick a few brambles. Started chatting to one of my neighbours, went to pick some berries for her husband, handed them over, chatted some more... – and ended up spending five hours completely hyper-focused on weeding part of the garden. No matter how often I told myself to stop and go back into the house, I just kept on pulling out those pesky weeds that have irritated me for weeks.

I came in feeling completely exhausted, totally hyper, "fizzing" with fatigue and adrenalin (?), and headachy from not drinking at all for such a long time. It took me a while to re-focus on this evening's Gaelic phone tutorial, for which I still had to do some prepping.

I managed, just, to be ready, leaving a few questions unanswered and to be presented to the tutor during the tutorial. That's perfectly ok.

Things went ok. Afterwards, though, I felt despair and hopelessness. Not nice. I felt cold, as well. Got myself some food and a mug of instant soup.

And went back to dealing with the Gaelic stuff for this coming week. Good, but challenging. There's so much to remember, not enough time to review and practice.

Day Thirty-three

Slept in a bit and took Concerta at about ten past nine. Still on 2x18 = 36mg/day. Felt ok physically.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None. I'm fine as long as I've got lots of diverse activities on my hands.




What went well today?
Productive day:
- sent off yet another translation job within the deadline.
- handed back some things left behind by one of my summer visitors.
- received back a fairly substantial loan to said visitor.

- taught a good ESOL class, with the help of a wonderful young co-teacher; we had a visit from a UNISON representative. They have a programme focusing on continuing education for migrant workers. It was really instructive and interesting, not least for my line-manager and one of the Library staff.
- taught a good lesson to my private ESOL student. Really enjoying the exploration of some challenging English/Irish poets with her.
- enjoyed the second portion of a yummy dinner.
- did another translation (short piece) and shipped that off.
- looked at my Gaelic work so I am ready to go tomorrow. 
How can I make it happen more regularly?

Stay focused. Stay disciplined.
What strengths have I focused on today?

Ability to focus when necessary.
At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Teaching, working, e-mailing, living...

What did not go so well?
Cravings. Ran out of cashews so overdid the dark chocolate just a bit and am feeling quite "fizzy" now it's time for bed.

Day Thirty-two

Sore and tired. My arms hurt from all the typing done today, and maybe there's a twinge or three left over from yesterday. Certainly haven't had enough stretching and balancing exercises.
A tough day. Wild weather out there, not as disastrous as further south(-east), but wild nonetheless.

Woke at a decent hour, got up at 8:30. At last pushed myself into the shower and emerged feeling clean and human.
But hung over, as if! Maybe the weather, maybe the fact that I overate on carbs last night. Had no energy, no focus – or hyperfocus on all things other than work.

Result: had to cancel Gaelic choir practice to push ahead on work, of which suddenly there has been quite a bit – yay! I may yet be able to pay all the bills looming on the horizon :) And barely set foot out of doors.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Sudden accesses of loneliness, dread, despair, alternating with hyperfocus and elation. A bloody roller-coaster! But chiefly the realisation that I have to stop procrastinating, or else...!

What went well today?
Received an invitation to stay in Glasgow when the need arises. Fellow translator. Very kind!
Confirmed details with my next visitor, one of my very oldest friends. Can't wait! Feel motivated to get stuff out of the way before she arrives.
Cooked a well-balanced meal (chicken, lots of veg, some of yesterday's tatties, on a bed of fresh lettuce); ate only half of it so I can heat up the rest tomorrow.
Shipped off a couple of small jobs (but only barely within the deadline – very naughty!).

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Practice makes perfect?
Certainly will try to eat lots more veg and salads than I did yesterday.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Hyperfocus, pushing myself to beyond my self-perceived limits.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
e-corresponding with friends; sorting out transport and accommodation details; getting work done and e-mailed to clients.

Is Concerta making a difference?

As on previous days, I felt hyperfocused on all the wrong things, only managing to snap out of this weird mode in the middle of the afternoon. I have no idea what caused it.
By 7:30 I had not eaten for too long and suffered a mild version of the severe stomach cramps I had as a very young woman, when I was so harrassed and stressed-out in Paris that my GP prescribed – guess what? – some drug similar to Valium. It was a bugger to wean myself off the damned pills! Once I had stopped taking them, it still took years until I managed to leave home without at least two of them in my bag, just in case.

I had forgotten all about that until just this evening – fancy that!

Must stop – right arm very sore now. Wrong posture, so off to do some gentle Tai chi movement exercises before bed.

Day Thirty-one

Getting to the end of a decent Sunday.

My friend needed to take the early bus (dep 07:45am!) to Glasgow, so we agreed to get up at 6am or thereabouts to have plenty of time to get ready. She would shower while I prepared the porridge.

It worked and we were both ready to go in good time. She had a good (sleepy) journey and I spent all morning catching up on e-mails, getting information through to my Swiss friend who's coming next month, and a few bits and pieces more, such as uploading photos and making sure my newly departed friend can see them when she gets where she's going. Also had a late breakfast.

The day was fantastic, dry, breezy, warm-ish, so I spent the latter part of the afternoon in the garden, cutting most of the second half of the grass – what a palaver!
Did some weeding and dug up some yummy "pig" potatoes, long, thin pink-skinned ones that stay firm when cooked and taste absolutely delicious.

Am tired and a bit sore now; it's been a long time since I last did any proper heavy work.
But I feel good, and some of the weeds have gone; and a wheeliebin full of heavy sods and compost has also been dealt with. Most satisfying to find that, less than a year after the first dandelion roots and other nasty weeds went in, the product is almost pure soil. The heat in the summer months all but cooked the roots and I'm hoping it's sterilised the weed seeds.
I've distributed the brown stuff in places where there are gaps in the grass.
Came in at almost 7:30pm, cleaned up and cooked tatties and eggs.
Famished and very thirsty even though I did remember to drink a couple of glasses of water throughout the afternoon!

I get really fired up when I've had the 2 x 18mg Concerta, and forget to eat, or drink even – that's what happened in the morning after I got back from taking my friend to the bus.

That's it. Tired, but I've got some work to do now.

Oh, did I mention the p-word at all? No need, eh – the whole day was one great big long p________n from doing my accounts, or getting work done for clients, or hunkering down to revise my Gaelic. What am I like!? Concerta is not making a blind bit of difference in that department, that's for sure.

Day Thirty

Forgot that I had been meaning to change my regime of medication to 1 x 18mg in the morning, 1 x 18mg a couple of hours later.  And find that that may well be too complicated for me. Yet another reminder to be put into the diary? I don't think so. So I think I'll keep going as am for now. I do hesitate to up the dose – I'm concerned it'll make me even jitterier than I already am if I have too strong a coffee, or if I have more than one cup a day – I do love my java!

Earlier today, I was talking about being an ADDult and wanted to show this friend the book Delivered from Distraction, which I have found fascinating and had started reading en route to Glasgow last weekend. But it's gone awol – can't find it anywhere and haven't got a clue where it's got to. Oh, maybe I left it at the hairdresser's on Thursday? But I wasn't carrying a bag that day. Drat and b____r!

What went well today?
Managed to get the house and guest room ready and sort of clean in time.
Was at the station to meet my friend in time.
Enjoyed the company, did lots of walking, met an interesting person (very chatty, but entertaining); enjoyed the great weather and being out-of-doors; took her to the Kerrera restaurant at the Marina; chatted into the night.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Can't – does not depend on me alone. But am already looking forward to one of my oldest Swiss friend's visit next month!

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being organised and able to get loads done when the time is right (and the pressure high).

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
A lot of the time, actually. 

Day Ten plus Nineteen

This counting business is becoming rather silly – and I'm writing this post on Sunday evening because I only just remembered that I've not been keeping this diary.

So, here's to trying to remember what I did on Friday:

Slept rather late, and took Concerta at about 9:10 instead of 8:45am. Not that that seems to make any difference at all.

Felt pushed to get stuff done, work and Gaelic and after the Gaelic session – during which I was barely able to concentrate because I was so nervous and jittery – I felt I needed to cut the grass – it was day two of a run of lovely dry weather. The dew is heavy, though, and the grass long, which means that it's really rather wet. Still, got about half the grass cut – and spent ages cleaning the flymo afterwards, which ended up being all clogged-up with the wet green stuff.

And I ended up not going out.

What went well today?
Got the grass cut (well, half of it).








How can I make it happen more regularly?

Doing it more regularly would mean a bit less hassle. But we had three weeks of almost constant wet weather.


What strengths have I focused on today?

Pushing myself so things do get done just in time (at the cost of feeling utterly exhausted afterwards).



At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Pushing the lawnmower? Discussing language issues? Stuffing my face with silly TV shows?
Maybe. And all of the above. I'm feeling petulant and have not much patience for diaries any more.

Is Concerta making a difference?
I don't really know. Would probably have to stop taking the drug to see if it makes a difference.
Yes, there is one positive difference: my sleep IS better. But it's not going to change the habits of 60 years, is it?

Day Ten plus Eighteen

Woke up from a decent night's sleep and felt pretty good. But drank too much coffee again and am still buzzing with it. It all but ruined my Tai Chi class...

And when I'm tired, I feel I make way more typos than I used to. Time for bed.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

No pangs; mostly a good day.

What went well today?Managed to get the most important/urgent work done despite nearly oversleeping.
Was on time to pick up a friend to drive to the Benderloch market together. Good conversations, felt useful in putting her in touch with a couple of friends.
Saw the "mother" of the cat I looked after for nearly 15 months, and am happy to hear what I hear: Surfira adores young A. and follows her everywhere.
Sent off another translation job – in good time!

How can I make it happen more regularly?

stay organised and make sure to arrange for meetings with friends

What strengths have I focused on today?

Driving with circumspection. Patience. Punctuality. Not jumping in.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Walking and enjoying the beautiful crescent moon just skimming the horizon; watching the sky after sunset, the orange glow and the blues and silvers on the shimmering water.

Day Ten plus Seventeen

Buzzing. Too much coffee today – I keep forgetting that I should only take one cup of coffee now that I'm on Concerta. Haven't changed the regime, am still on 2x18mg Concerta/day, taken at the same time.

Have been reading up more on ADD/ADHD. Overwhelmed with all the information. There's rather too much coming in just now.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Don't know. Despair sometimes corners me out of the blue.

What went well today?
OK ESOL class; I do feel a connection to my students. Pity it may end in a few weeks' time.
Had a decent Gaelic phone tutorial.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Punctuality (not my natural strength, but I have trained myself quite well).
Being prepared and doing my homework.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Didn't have time to think about that. Learning something new?

Day Ten plus Sixteen

Very tired again. But quite content.

What went well today?
Decent ESOL lesson with a small group of motivated students – and a wonderful assistant teacher who will soon be the sole teacher I have no doubt.
Met up with an old friend for a wee blether over a cuppa.
Worked through all of Unit 2 of my distance learning Accelerated Introduction to Gaelic.
Put away all my freshly-laundered linen and clothes rather than leaving them trailing about and being in the way.
Having a few wee translation jobs in the pipeline.
Doing some exercises early in the morning, and just before I came back to the computer.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Working on it...

What strengths have I focused on today?

Hyperfocus. Tidiness.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Teaching. Learning. Getting irritated with stupid, I mean really stupid!!!, errors and confusing instructions in the course material.

What issues reared their heads? What remains to be done?
Irritability. Fizzing with adrenaline/caffeine/Concerta.
Bookkeeping. Tidying/cleaning the house for my weekend visitor.
Another few translation jobs.
Being unable to listen to intricate instructions without having written copy to refer to.

Day Ten plus Fifteen

Exhausted. Still on a high after yesterday's meeting with fellow ADDults.

Kate Kelly/Peggy Ramundo's book came through the door:
You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder (use this link to an audio review read by a computer – a bit weird, but maybe better than reading if reading is difficult)
Worth a browse, if not a close read!

What went well today?
Good Gaelic singing practice, although I have to really control myself not to appear too impatient with people who need longer to learn and know stuff.
Author responded with positive feedback and constructive criticism/input.
Received detailed invitation for another meeting, this Thursday, in Edinburgh. Pity I can't make it.
The day started sunny, so I did some laundry, which I then had to bring inside and dry in the kitchen because I didn't want it to get soaked in the driving rain. Very time-consuming, but excellent free exercise.
Also washed some of the dirtiest windows (not very well, but better than before: "What you can do is worth doing, even if it's done badly.").

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Practice makes perfect, I suppose. But then, who wants to be perfect?

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being able to focus away from all the things I've still not done.


At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
I don't recall. Am writing this on Tuesday night, actually (cheating a bit!), with a very tired mind after a very busy day.

Day Ten plus Fourteen

Another good day after a very short night. Woke very early, knowing I had to check bank balance before going into Glasgow. Bank site was down (maintenance at what is usually a slow time) so I did some catch-up work in Gaelic. Ended up going back to bed for half an hour and managed to nod off, waking just at the right time from a thrilling dream in which I "thought" myself out of drowning in a raging river and ended up flying clear of power lines, facing the clouds and being able to see in microscopic detail the tiniest droplets of water in the mist. Hugely satisfying, both visually and emotionally. But I did want to pull out of the journey down to Glasgow.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Travelling into Glasgow I started reading Hallowell/Ratey, Delivered from Distraction (see link on right). I felt inspired and recognised, but I also felt sadness that I was nearly 60 before I began to understand what's been going on. Still, to quote Lawrence Peter "Yogi" Berra, celebrated American Major League Baseball catcher, outfielder, and manager, "It ain't ovah till it's ovah"!

What went well today?
My very first meeting with Glasgow group of Scottish Adult ADHD Support *). Very productive, stimulating, helpful. What a very nice bunch of people – nine of us there.
I jumped over several inner hurdles to not back out at the last minute.
Also, did a spot of judicious non-shopping, checked out computer situation (something I'd had on the back burner for at least six months), and visited the Glasgow Gallery of Modern Art. 

*) NOTE: 
Until further notice, the Glasgow group of Scottish Adult ADHD Support meet every third Sunday of the month, 2 to 4:30pm, at Costa Coffee, basement lounge, 205 Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow (not to be confused with the CC branch at Waterstone's in Sauchiehall Street).

What strengths have I focused on today?

I can actually focus on others a bit better than I used to.
I can actually keep a promise and be reliable.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Love meeting new people, especially people I know to share some of my concerns, who are willing to share and open up.
Looking at vibrant new art, re-acquainting myself with works by older artists who were at the cutting edge a few decades ago.
Riding a comfortable new bus in a spectacular setting.
Composing and polishing a poem.


May I share it with you? It's just a first draft but I may never get round to polishing it any further, so here goes:

  -->

Leaving Glasgow, Going Home

The setting sun slants rays of light

brightens clouds green hills trees sheep

a hobby-horse's orange saddle glows

incongruous on motorway verge

mist rises from the road as speeding

cars pull rain off the black tarmac

up the road we

ride into the driving rain

between gold cauliflower clouds

a slash of blue

all else is blurry grey

above a mercury shimmer –

Loch Lomond

red glow in the dusk bids us wait:

Rest and Be Thankful landslip

cars rush past us
down steeply sloping road

one solitary cloud as light as cottonwool

floats in a darkening sky

rises out of slate and lead

past Taynuilt the view opens

wide beyond wide sea loch

where does the water end

the air begin beneath this sky

where a pale lemon light still lingers?

© MPJ, 16Sep2012

Catching up – Days Ten plus Twelve, Thirteen

Lots on – work piling up ...

Friday (Day Ten plus Twelve):
Re-visited dentist to have new filling adjusted so weight is evenly distributed. Very pleased with result – it was awful to have a wide gap between molars in which "half a chicken and half a broccoli" would get caught...

What emotional pangs did I notice yesterday?

None that I recall. I was on a roll...

What went well yesterday?
No procrastination re getting a spontaneous appointment with the dentist to tweak the new filling put in the day before.
Good walks into town and back – in all kinds of weather. The Bay never ceases to delight me.
Excellent Gaelic one-to-one session with my private tutor. 
 
How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep practicing, keep walking.
 
What strengths did I focus on yesterday?

None in particular. Not very focused, really, at least not consciously so.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Getting stuck into Gaelic work; walking; exchanging views and opinions about language, politics, the weather –

Saturday (Day Ten plus Thirteen): 
Good day away with Oban Gaelic Choir, with decent results in a singing competition. More importantly, the choir really felt good, energetic, focused, happy – a great feeling.

On way home, my passenger and I stopped off at a couple of places I had long been meaning to visit – friends who live outside Oban. One of them a wonderful horsewoman, the other a couple who have a fantastic garden and miniature railway. Very satisfying.

Emotional pangs?
None. I feel great. Singing's good for us!

What went well?
See above. Plus I have just shipped off another small translation so I can focus on new jobs and intensive distance-learning Gaelic course when I get back from Glasgow tomorrow.

Strengths?
Ability to rekindle friendships? Being a safe driver, especially when I have passengers.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself? 
When singing and chatting with friends. And when doing urgent work.

Day Ten plus Eleven

A good day, all in all. Woke at some point in the early morning but must've fallen asleep again while thinking about getting up because my alarm woke me at 8:45 – time for Concerta x 2.

It was pretty damp out there and grew damper and windier as the day wore on. Wild water out in the Bay, beautiful but not to be taken lightly. I was glad to have the shell of my car about me, anyway.

Wasted a lot of time sorting on-line stuff out for my new Gaelic course, and phoning people, chasing things up.

What went well today?
But had a good laugh with my new dentist, who accepted my decision not to have injections for the removal of a dodgy filling. It was fine. That kind of pain is over so quickly and then it really is over.

Also managed to hopefully sort out a knotty translation question for my very oldest client, who has kept me housed and fed for over twenty years – not exclusively, but with some of my most interesting  commissions.

And had a good Tai chi session, and got ready for some more work.

Finally, a lovely evening out with a friend up at live music in Benderloch (Orcadian Ivan Drever, guitarist, singer, songwriter).

Shall I look at all the things I did not manage to do?
- accounts
- another translation due by Saturday
- garden work
- cleaning windows, cleaning house in readiness for a visitor

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Missed the cat at the most unexpected moments – should be over that by now, surely...

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Probably when I walked along the Esplanade, with the spindrift blowing in my face! It was good to be out there and to feel the elements. Needed that!

Day Ten plus Ten

So this has been my 20th day on Concerta, tenth day on 2x18mg. I'm continuing for another ten days on the same dosage to see what's what.

Got up nice and early after what felt like a really good night's sleep, only half woke once because I needed to shift my duvet.
Most previous nights I've had maybe six hours and broken up into chunks of maybe two, three hours – not very restful.

During the day I felt "fizzy" but focused, even to the point where I forgot to eat and drink and then had a headache.

Had most of my Gaelic prepped just in time for my first phone tutorial in the evening. Connected with people in Scotland and the US (east and west coasts). Magic!

But it was very hard work and some of it bored me to distraction and almost to tears. Here's hoping some of the repetition will leave traces and help structures stay in my memory. But I do wish I had more time.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Frustration with technology. Frustration at being stuck at the computer on a day that would have been almost perfect for some increasingly urgent garden work.

What went well today?
Was ready for my phone tutorial and had a proper meal beforehand so stayed alert throughout.
Called my folks to wish them a great holiday and cracked some jokes with them, which is quite a rare thing.

What strengths have I focused on today?


I can be quite systematic and organised, actually, and today I managed to tap into this skill set.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
I don't know. I have so many facets, there's always a part of me that feels authentic while other aspects struggle to shine.

Day Ten plus Nine

A very sticky day but with a decent ending.

Woke after little sleep, feeling jittery and exhausted. The weather has been up and down, hot, cold, wet, sunny, windy – all over the place. Mid-afternoon I realised what was going on: the world's grieving. It's 9/11, eleven years on.

So, maybe I pick up all these vibes of despair?

At any rate I was all but unable to focus. Still got a few things sorted:

What went well today?
- access to my on-line Gaelic documents
- download of same
- picked up supply of Concerta
- taught an ESOL class, the short version
- received very good feedback from author of a text that I translated for someone else
- enjoyed a book club meeting
- prepared final documents for my tenants

How can I make it happen more regularly?

no idea – there's a magic to it all that I haven't cracked. Do I need to crack it?


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

felt overwhelmed by the number of jobs in hand and tasks to be done

What strengths have I focused on today?

being a bit of a juggler and improviser

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
at various points: being a good teacher, being a good translator, trying to be a good facilitator, ...

Day after tomorrow, from Day Twenty plus One, I'm going to try staggering the two tablets, taking one early-ish in the morning and one a few hours later. I think two tablets in one go is too much – they make me jittery, "wired", far too much. But one was as good as ineffective. I'll give it a go for ten days. That'll make 30 days in all. After that, I'll see. I don't want to increase the dosage. May even stop altogether because the difference is distinctly underwhelming so far.
 

Day Ten plus Eight

Tough day, sticky, not moving, feeling tired and disorganised.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Worried about my parents.

What went well today?
Shipped off part two of a four/five part translation. Did a fair bit of walking. Saw my GP re Concerta and some mouth sores that have been plaguing me for a long time.
We agreed that I would continue on on 2x18mg Concerta Extended Release for another month.
He thinks the downsides of the drug are probably worse than the benefits.
It certainly isn't a magic wand.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Focus on work. Keep walking.

What strengths have I focused on today?

None. Couldn't focus properly at all.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Don't know. Just feel stressed out and tired.

Day Ten plus Seven

Seven days on two tablets/day. GP appointment tomorrow to see how things are going.

My stomach rebels against too much caffeine, otherwise I seem to be fine, if rather "wired" and stressed out rather more than I expected.

Getting as much exercise as I can by walking into town and home again.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Had a strange dream this morning and felt sad thinking about it. Felt a bit flat after a good day out.


What went well today?
Getting up in the morning and getting myself ready for extra choir practice in the afternoon; the choir practice itself was hard but ultimately rewarding; had a surprise phone call from my Godfather (not a relative, my father's boyhood friend), who told me he still had a porcelain plate I painted for him back in 1966! Inscribed with a dedication and a sailboat, of all things. I remember doing that, and thinking that yes, I could manage a sailboat with its straight lines... I was really touched and moved that he has kept this over all these years, the dear man.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Stick with it; be kinder than necessary even to those who treat you unkindly – they may be stuck in Sisyphos' boots...

What strengths have I focused on today?

Be attentive to others, give others a chance to speak but don't pipe down just because a few people shoot daggers each time you open your mouth. That's their problem.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Walking into town, face turned into the smirr and the wind. Singing.

Day Ten plus Six

What went well today?
Very good day, excellent in fact:
Managed to do everything on time and/or in good time; took the car over to Mull on the ferry and saw a couple of gannets; leisurely drive in the company of my Gaelic tutor along the "back road" to Dervaig and on to Tobermory – such beautiful scenery even though the cloud was hanging low. Thin cloud, and the sun did manage to come through. We listened to the mixed choirs, which was quite interesting and more varied that I had expected; had a walk about Tobermory, which my tutor knows well; got a bit damp and then dry again.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Memories. We talked about a lot of things that have happened in the past.
There are regrets, but there they are: in the past.


What feelings about differences did I notice?

A feeling of serenity. It'll be fine.
How can I make it happen more regularly?

I can try to arrange for outings with friends more often.
 
What strengths have I focused on today?

I hope I'm improving my listening skills.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Driving, just enjoying the day – it was a good day indeed. Topped, on our way back, by the magic of seeing at least half a dozen if not more young/smallish bottlenose dolphins playing in the ferry's wake.

Day Ten plus Five

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Not sure this will answer the question, but I felt "wired" all day, much more than usual, and in a rush to ship a draft translation off to the author for feedback before my Gaelic lesson.


What feelings about differences did I notice?

Went into this afternoon's Gaelic lesson ill-prepared and virtually without prior revision.
At one point towards the end, I felt a stab of fairly severe stomach pain. Took me by surprise but passed quite quickly.

I have been a bit off my food for the past day or three, with moments of queasiness when last week it was more like almost forgetting to eat and then catching up in the evening.

What went well today?
Did a lot of walking, into town, home again, into town again later that same evening, and home again.
Very nice evening meal with a good friend who had some excellent news; it was a giggly, girly evening, friendship and warmth – lovely. Between the two of us, we managed to drink a whole bottle of rather nice rosé – rather more than I wanted but it was ok, I suppose.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

I can try to arrange for meals with friends more often, but at present, eating out on a regular basis is out of the question. I'd like to cook for friends, though.
 
What strengths have I focused on today?

After I got home I revised one of my Gaelic conversations and reformatted it so that I can read the Gaelic text without my annotations getting in the way – they've been shunted to the margin... Should've done that a long time ago but it simply didn't occur to me. Ah well, I do think that each time I go over those texts, something new actually does stick and I can pull it out of "the hat" more easily.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Listening to my friend, I think.

Off to bed; early start in the morning.

Day Ten plus Four

A productive day, one that brought a number of positive surprises.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Not many. The weather was fairly awful, wet, windy, gusty – but I actually quite like it, as long as it doesn't go on and on...

What went well today?
Woke very early, after only five hours' sleep.
Had a fascinating dream – again, as on a previous occasion, one of great clarity and definition. One episode made me feel really happy: there was a very young, bland-faced baby. I was talking to her but I don't remember what I said. Suddenly, she focused on me and her face broke into this really wide grin and her eyes locked into mine, very deliberately and clearly, and I knew she had recognised something and that made her feel good. – Later in the day, at the LORN market, there was the "market baby", and she laughed and smiled at me. Magic!
Next, an unexpected job came in; I did some more work on a tricky translation; completed legal work to secure my tenants' deposit and went to look at the outside of the house – that needs a bit of sorting, very neglected-looking. Not good. But will get better.
Today's big surprise: I've got a place on the accelerated Gaelic distance-learning course (Sep 2012-July 2013) at Sabhal Mòr Ostaig in Skye. Registration deadline was 24 August. I sent an on-line enquiry yesterday and got a reply this morning: because of my background, computer skills etc., they're happy for me to join in even though I missed last week's introduction.
By this evening, it was all arranged, forms filled and posted off and the course paid for.
First session: next Wednesday evening. Shame about the Gaelic conversation group, with which it coincides to a large extent, but I'm hoping I'll be able to join them a bit later.
Also did quite a bit of walking today – to my Thursday evening Tai chi class and home again – and am really tired now. Tai Chi is just so good. I like the instructor and I like the other practitioners.
When I got home from the market, I found my gladioli all buffeted by the gusting wind, so I spent half an hour in the garden, tying them up and cutting away the faded ones so the fresh ones may have a bit more room. And there are some truly exciting flowers coming up – I've no idea what they're called. Will have to take photos tomorrow!

How can I make it happen more regularly?

By sending out positive vibes. By focusing on what really matters.
I've been there before and I know it really works. All the same, it's nice to find it still does! Long may it continue!

What strengths have I focused on today?

Getting lots done at speed. I didn't actually deliberately focus on any of my strengths.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Most of the day, actually, but especially as I walked briskly along the Esplanade, with the wind driving soft, warm rain into my face. And on my way back, being almost carried along on the gusts. Exhilarating. People smiled when they saw me, which was really nice.

My niece is now in Istanbul – at least I hope so. And I hope she finds what she went all that way to find. :) 

Day Ten plus Three

Time passes so very quickly. I'm struggling to juggle everything I set out to do in a day...

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None to mention, really, just the usual moments when I feel something really crucial is missing from my life. And yet... – 

What feelings about differences did I notice?

As before, I've no idea what this question is about. Will have to make some enquiries.
 
What went well today?
Got lots of things off my to-do list: called the plumber when he didn't turn up; started a fairly tricky translation and enjoyed getting stuck in; paid some bills and invoices; wrote a couple of letters, including one to my parents about a website in German/Switzerland on the subject of Adult ADD/ADHD; walked to my Gaelic conversation group; managed to understand quite a bit of what everybody said.
But lots of new things came onto my to-do-list, so it's onwards and upwards tomorrow.
 
How can I make it happen more regularly?

Stick with it; keep making lists and STICK TO THE LISTS
 
What strengths have I focused on today?

Being quite organised if I really have to be
 
At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Quite a lot of the time.

Highlights?
The bright flash of sunshine coming through the closed curtains at about 8am. 
Being up and awake even before that and feeling quite energetic and focused early in the day. 
Having breakfast on my porch, in the sun, smelling the clean air of early autumn.
Watching bumblebees for a wee while.
The fact that it only rained a couple of times and I was able to walk to Dunollie Castle in the setting sun – gorgeous!

Mark Bertin, M.D.: Adult ADHD: A Little Awareness Goes a Long Way

"Here's the bottom line: If you have ADHD, by definition you have 'impairment' somewhere in life -- it's part of the diagnosis. If you're distractible or a little impulsive and thriving across the board, then you don't have ADHD. The impairment may affect self-esteem, daily stress and relationships or far subtler matters like obesity, a lifetime of late bills, or chronic, disabling procrastination. Seeking a diagnosis isn't a treatment decision but may define the 'why' behind a lifetime of struggle. It moves you one huge step toward understanding how best to move forward."

My thoughts, exactly, only much better put, and backed up by medical knowledge I can only wish I had ever acquired. See here for the full article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-bertin-md/adult-adhd_b_1733624.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

Thank you, Deirdre Hannon of Addressing the Balance, for sharing on facebook.

Day Ten plus Two

Why do I number the days in this way? Because I'm numerically challenged and wouldn't otherwise be able to work out when the second set of ten days is over during which I am giving two pills a go.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?
 Panic when I had to take care of my tenant's flat being "flooded" from above; feeling of exhaustion and loneliness at the end of quite an intense day.

What feelings about differences did I notice?
 I continue as puzzled about this question as ever
 
What went well today? Managed to deal with everything that came my way without flipping or breaking down.
Had a boost of energy from not needing to check with a client re sending me his source text: it was in the in-box when I checked my e-mails this morning. Beat the alarm-clock by about an hour and arrived at the dentist's in good time.  Chatted with a few people face-to-face in town; did my shopping.
Called the garage to fix a date for my car MOT.
Dealt with colleague's unexpected illness. Had good lesson prep.
Called my ESOL boss to confirm/discuss new arrangements.
Appreciated the starry sky, including the appearance of Orion in the pre-dawn sky. Enjoyed the sunshine in the morning and afternoon. Picked some blueberries. Admired the not-quite-half moon half an hour ago.
 
How can I make it happen more regularly?
 Practice makes perfect...
 
What strengths have I focused on today?
 Ability to deal with quite a few unexpected occurrences at short notice; teaching; cooking.
 
At what point did I feel most authentically myself? When I was able to smile into the sunshine; when I dealt with my tenant's trouble; as I cooked a lovely evening meal; as I transformed the neighbour's gift of two pounds of lovely plums into a plum preserve in small jars that I may be able to use as gifts.

What is still on the to-do-list?
Practicing my Gaelic for the upcoming exam
doing my accounts
dealing with a fairly major translation job – not necessarily in this order!

Has Concerta made a difference?
Still not very sure. I seem to function more efficiently, but also have pretty awful moments in between when I sag and lose the will to do anything at all. And I tend to forget to drink, which causes headaches. I've noticed the odd moment when my mouth is dry.
But I woke after not very much sleep but feeling rested and ready to go.

Day Ten plus One

First day on two times 18mg Concerta Extended Release.


Beat the alarm clock by about fifteen minutes and felt fresh as I got up – that was before the pills. Later in the day, after working in the damp outside, I felt very tired and chilled and couldn't really get warm until I was cooped up with 27 other people in a smallish room.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?
 Worried about not enough work coming in. Misunderstood by a fellow choir member, and lonely on coming home to an empty house, having walked home from choir.

What feelings about differences did I notice?
 ???

What went well today? The getting up was easy. Got my to-do list almost sorted, made a phone-call I'd been putting off.

How can I make it happen more regularly?
 Keep looking at my to-do list and not let myself be too distracted.

What strengths have I focused on today?
 Gardening? Keeping going on little food/drink (which isn't actually all that good).

At what point did I feel most authentically myself? Gardening, I suppose. Weeding. Used to hate it, now I find it quite therapeutic. Quite like to get my hands dirty. Picked my second-last mange-tout peas and a surprise handful of wood strawberries. A neighbour gave me a big bowl of lovely plums, some of which went straight into my very late breakfast at 4:30pm!

Day Ten

Day Ten – ten days of Concerta Extended Release, 18mg/d

Sari Solden's questions again:

What emotional pangs did I notice today?
 None. Good day. Remembered my paternal grandmother and what a hard life she had. Called my sister-in-law to wish my niece well in a new chapter of her life. Posted off a couple of physical letters.

What feelings about differences did I notice?
 Still haven't got a clue what this question is about.

What went well today? Lots of Gaelic, working by myself, working out meanings of words; Gaelic singing; Gaelic class with my private tutor. It's his birthday soon, so I cooked dinner. Nothing hugely special but it was tasty.

How can I make it happen more regularly?
 Keep at it, girl!

What strengths have I focused on today?
 Being able to focus, hyperfocus even, if and when things go right.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself? Again, when I went out barefoot into the wet grass, to pick brambles for my breakfast. And when I got the food ready. And when I scrunched up my brain to try and comprehend some really weird Gaelic sentence structures. It's such a different way of looking at things... Most interesting.

Is Concerta making a difference?

Maybe in that I have found it a bit easier to discern between what I really need to do and what must wait; and that I can put off more easily the pleasurable things until I've done the less fun things.
And also in that all this doesn't matter all that much. When all is said and done, I'm moaning at an extremely high level. Not trying to belittle my situation, but:
elsewhere in the world, people are being flooded, try to survive wars, are having their homes bulldozed...
Not trying to feel better by comparing my life with those who live in abject misery, but:
trying to get a perspective, and to be grateful for all the privilege I've been able to enjoy...

Day nine

Here we go, let's try Sari Solden (ADDjourneys)'s questions:

"What emotional pangs did I notice today?"
 Loneliness, I suppose, when one of my best friends cried off for a chat over a cup of coffee, followed by a concert. And I still miss my "cat-for-a-year"!

"What feelings about differences did I notice?"
 What? Not sure I get this.

"What went well today?" Got almost everything done that was on my to-do list, and a few more! Plus: had a lovely breakfast; cooked an ok dinner, and enjoyed a glass of rosé with it. Prepped a class, wrote up another and produced hand-outs for next Tuesday; dealt with a legal issue that fluttered onto my desk only two days ago rather than putting it off until mid-November...

"How can I make it happen more regularly?
" I am making it happen more regularly; this is getting to be almost a normal occurrence.

"What strengths have I focused on today?"
 On-line communication, trying to be a good friend...

"At what point did I feel most authentically myself?" When I walked barefoot in the rain-soaked grass.

Is Concerta making a difference? Still not sure. It's all in the mind, surely...

Still haven't started on my accounting, haven't called the plumber; did a lot of sitting and looking at a computer screen. (But the weather WAS awful out there, barely five minutes of half-sunshine.)

Some important questions

I'll be trying to answer these questions in future posts:

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

What feelings about differences did I notice?

What went well today?
How can I make it happen more regularly?

What strengths have I focused on today?

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?


Thank you, Sari Solden, for posting these questions on this facebook page for the Scottish Adult ADD/ADHD Support Group.