Day 77 + 14 days w/o + 3 days w + Day 2 w/o

A good day, all in all. Overslept until almost 10 am but felt great after some nine hours' sleep.
At last came good on a promise to review invoice to client – haven't yet had a response.

Differences after living with Concerta?
First day in a long time that I've felt decent, able to focus.

Diet?

Good. Healthy, balanced, plenty of proteins and fresh greens, chocolate and two coffees early in the morning. Bananas. Plenty of fluids.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I can juggle a few notions at the same time. So much more versatile in my fields than others.

What went well today?
Good day. Interesting time in ESOL class at Library, where there was a cookery demonstration. Some of the students found it difficult to follow, but I was able to help for a bit. Will catch up with them next week.
Excellent two hours with young ESOL student who has to submit her 'Personal Statement' for her college application.

What strengths have I focused on today?

I AM an expert in many fields. And I have accumulated some knowledge about the wider world. It's just the Gaelic world that seems unusually complex, arcane and forbidding.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Teaching. Cleaning house. Getting some bird food ready. Watching the frost melt. Sitting in the sun.

What did not go so well?

Nothing. Even looked at my Excel files for the accounting. I WILL get there in time, if only just!

Day 77 + 14 Days w/o + 3 Days on + Day 1 w/o

Exceedingly tired. No choir practice tonight, just as well.

Differences after living with / without Concerta?
Effects of C still with me: no focus, no energy, high irritability.
Didn't sleep very well, woke up many times.

Diet?

Good.

What went well today?
Joiner came to look at kitchen, which is in dire need of upgrade and refurbishment after damp damage until about a year ago. While I hate the idea of having to clear everything out of there, and of dealing with dust and workmen, I do think it will be nice to have a decent kitchen, with hopefully a more sensible layout, too, and a mixer tap!

What strengths have I focused on today?

Getting the things done that really need doing.
Posted off a small claims procedure to get money off a client whose payment is now more than four months overdue.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Watching telly?

What did not go so well?

Have still not touched my accounts, nor called the accountant.

Day 77 + 14 Days w/o + Day 3 with C

Ah, great to be home again. I'm exhausted but 'wired'. Can't focus on anything.

Differences after living without Concerta for two weeks and three days back on?
Sooooo 'wired', and irritable and headachey and angry, angry, angry! I'm coming off again and I don't think I will go back on again, ever.

Diet?

Was extremely good today. Lots of protein and fruit and veggie juice to make up for lack of veggies on plate. They were good at SMO, though, providing food free of dairy products.


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Anger and irritation at slow-coach drivers forcing everyone behind them to proceed at 35mph in a 60mph stretch. Admittedly with lots of bends but they could easily have been taken at 55mph. Road was clear, dry, good visibility – no reason to go slow, whatsoever. Clueless idiot!

What feelings about differences did I notice?

Morning class was better than yesterday, but I felt stressed out by lack of cultural knowledge, and bogged down by my need to attend to every detail.

What went well today?
Fellow students were still speaking to me, sort of, most of them. I think I've made at least two new friends.
Tutor very generously offered to produce a soundfile of Scottish place names for me, with English versions, so I could go to a map of Scotland and find places for myself.
I was packed and ready to hand over key before breakfast.
I was where I needed to be, when I needed to be there.
Even bought a few prezzies that would be hard to get in Oban.
Thoroughly enjoyed singing with Oban Gaelic Choir, and being there for the beautiful fireworks to conclude the 2nd edition of Oban's Winter Festival. Very satisfying.

What emotional pangs did I notice?
Being alone. Even though I mixed and mingled with my pals from OGC, and was made to feel very welcome by a few of them, I still don't really feel like I belong. And I'm afraid I really bored the wife of one of the most popular guys. I'm sure she didn't want to talk about her work.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being organised.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Enjoying the amazing views in Skye and over in Lochalsh. Driving into the sunset for about two hours.

What did not go so well?

Frustrated in class to the point of tears choking me up when I asked for help. I felt like a twelve-year-old. Goodness.

Day Seventy-seven + 14 days w/o C + Day 2 with C

Feel anything but tired now – see below for reason why.

Differences after living without Concerta for two weeks and now second day back on?
Very nervy, short-tempered, didn't sleep at all well in a narrow bed and noisy building. The room was too warm. I tossed and turned, too hot, then too cold; hated my plugged-up ears.
Dreadful.

Diet?

Felt awful in the morning; must be the carbs from yesterday's cakes.


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Sitting in a classroom brought back a lot of awful memories. I had forgotten just how unhappy I was at school, but today brought a lot back.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I do have huge problems integrating new knowledge. Never noticed it quite so strongly before.

What went well today?
Great to meet my phone tutorial classmate. She's lovely. And the other classmates are ok, too.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Listening to some amazing music at Talla Mhòr. Up to 14 or so musicians on stage at one point, with an eclectic mix of instruments and styles. But really powerful vibes and rhythms. Awesome. I felt like a teenager. And I missed my days at Marian's Jazz Club in Bern. I do miss great live music.

What did not go so well?

Didn't really click with the teacher as a teacher. I like her as a person, but she seemed ill prepared and much too willing to embark on all kinds of discussions in English. That wasn't what I came all this way for, at all.

Day Seventy-seven + 14 days w/o + Day 1 with C

I know the header of this post is convoluted, but it's intended to reflect the fact that I decided to take 1x18mg of Concerta Extended Release (or whatever it's called) earlier this morning to help me focus on the long drive to Skye.

Differences after being off Concerta for two weeks and now on again?
Feel very focused, rather "fizzy" with excess energy.

Diet?

Have been very good, but caved in on the offer of yummy cakes after a fairly frugal dinner.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

It didn't feel very nice to sit next to young students who didn't have anything to say to me. Very awkward situation.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I talk more than others; I have few compunctions to sit with people 1/4 my age.

What went well today?
Excellent day all in all: was ready and left on time; great drive north, mostly on virtually untravelled roads; snow on the road at the highest bit by Glen Garry, but no problem with my snow tyres; fantastic views and really easy to find everything.
Enjoyed an informal evening chat with a Gaelic tutor, plus someone who's a resident student at SMO and a few other distance-learning students. Can't wait to meet my classmate from the phone tutorial tomorrow.

What strengths have I focused on today?

My sense of adventure.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Probably driving.

Day Seventy-seven + Day Fourteen without C

The evening before the night before the day I take a car trip up to Skye for a weekend of intensive Gaelic. Should be interesting. Very nervous.

Differences after living with Concerta?
Not sleeping so well, but may be related to upcoming trip.

Diet?

Feeling hungrier, and wanting more carbohydrates.


What went well today?
Wrote and sent out a few invoices; up-to-date on most things, even managed to clean my house and do the laundry.

What did not go so well?

Still have not touched my accounts, nor made that all-important phone-call to find out how everything hangs together.

Day Seventy-seven + Day Thirteen without Concerta

It never rains but it pours. For the actual rant, see end of this post.

Differences after living with Concerta?
My appetite has come back.

Diet?

Still ok, working harder to keep carbs at bay, and lack of time/winter season makes it more difficult to get truly fresh greens in. Still, a good meal of organic veg (carrots, leeks), eggs and bacon, with home-grown tatties. Preceded by an organic avocado with some fresh lime juice and a pinch of sea salt. Delicious, actually.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

I'm finding it really hard to remember more than two or three items at a time. Even having notes to refer to doesn't help because I forget to check.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I'm quick on the uptake, but sometimes too much so.

What went well today?
Had a good drive home from seeing Dr Sheard in Lochgilphead, with the road almost to myself.
Basically a good session with the specialist, who had taken pains to read a book about CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Some of the ideas merit being considered and put into practice.
One of them is to have a Done That Party every now and then, to celebrate the things we've achieved against the odds.
An old friend dropped by unexpectedly at a time when I had an equally unexpected gap in my diary (had forgotten about a student being away) and stayed for a wee chat.
I also enjoyed having a blaze in my wee fireplace while the wind and rain were battering the house.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Must keep at it. Want to keep at it.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Managed to stay in control when taxi-ing behind two vehicles doing 40mph on a 60mph stretch of good road.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Probably driving up the road. Also enjoyed a brief walk about Lochgilphead in the mild and sunny weather.

What did not go so well?

New computer and software hugely disappointing. So much new stuff to be learned, so much adapting to be done. Wasted hours again on the phone to people. They try to be helpful but they're not, not really. Arrrrghh!
Also, I continue to overdose on TV

Day Seventy-seven + Day Five without C

Tired but fairly happy tonight.

Differences after living with Concerta?
Very subtle changes. I feel more tired sooner in the day, but taking fish-oil capsules and drinking a mug or too of finest Oolong tea seem to do the trick and help me focus.

Diet?

I'm still on a morning egg (soft boiled), one small cup of strong coffee, barley/rye/fruit müesli with fruit juice, small glass of carrot juice, 1 capsule each of fish oil and Evening Primrose oil, plus Vit D3.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None, too busy.

What went well today?
Great session with local book club, discussing Susan Fletcher's Witch Light (original title: Corrag), a fascinating book.
Completed intricate editing/proof-reading job and client is happy for me to bill him for at least part of lots of extra work we had not seen coming at the outset.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep attending Book club meetings.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Being able to deliver a lot in little time.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Talking about the book; reminiscing about family's past, listening to others talking about their families, ancestors; working hard for my client.

What did not go so well?

Still haven't touched my accounting work. I'm still hooked on TV.

Day Seventy-seven + Day One without C

After a very broken night (worrying about a job, worrying about life in general, hooked on the latest instalment of a TV spy/crime series), I overslept massively, sleeping until 11:40, right through three alarms, one of which I did perceive, but from a long way away.

Had invited a friend for lunch at noon, so leapt out of bed. By the time I had a moment to write down an extraordinary dream, it was gone. All I remember is thinking that it was really special, long, involved and quite beautiful despite a stressful ending, with me seeking to resolve an issue that couldn't be resolved.

So, as it was already very late, I decided that today is the day I'm coming off Concerta – at least until my next appointment with Dr. Sheard in ten days' time. Should be just enough to see what differences I notice.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None. Felt connected in more than one way.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I do talk a lot.

What went well today?
Managed to have a fairly tidy-looking house by the time my friend knocked on the door.
Lunch turned out great. I produced a delicious hot meal in less than 45 minutes: home-grown potatoes and lettuce (yes, still picking those Lollo rosso leaves!), organic avocado, organic carrots, leeks, broccoli and butternut squash: roughly mashed potatoes mixed with two organic eggs made a lovely "Spanish" omelet; the veggies were still a bit al-dente and looked beautiful, and the salad went down a treat. Followed the lot with organic Oolong for her and coffee for me, and dark-chocolate macaroons.
Also worked on final edits / proofreading of a big job I've helped coax along for an extraordinary Swiss artist.
I also composed info re adult ADD/ADHD for a friend who suspects her husband may have been living with this. They're both about my age – better late than not at all.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on. Invite more friends for lunch.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Ability to pull things together under pressure.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Cooking.

What did not go so well?

Munched the rest of the dark-chocolate macaroons late at night.
Have not touched my accounts, have not called the accountant to clear up a question that's been holding me back.
Continue severely addicted to TV.
Bum very sore indeed but possibly a tiny bit better than a week ago, say.

There's hope!

Day Seventy-four

A mixed bag of a day.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Went out feeling fine, got home after choir practice feeling rubbish, lonely, excluded, un-belonging.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I'm finding it difficult to relate to religious people.

What went well today?
Shipped off a translation a bit early.
Finished cleaning my house and did another load of laundry.
Aired my blankets and cushions and duvet.
Caught up with my distant god-mother and her son.
Dug up a wonderful bucket-load of tatties.
Cooked some of them straight away, with organic mushrooms and carrots. Very yummy.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on; stay connected to old friends and try making closer friendships here.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Working on various fronts; trying to stay focused.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Working on a translation for an old client.
Digging up what may well be the second-last potatoes – a bumper crop today, big bucket full of lovely tatties.

Day Seventy-three

A good day. Sunday.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?


None.

What feelings about differences did I notice?


None. Stayed home and that felt right.

What went well today?

Overslept massively but didn't really worry, why should I? Didn't go out walking but rested up after a fairly tiring Saturday (and week for that matter).
Started cleaning the house, did some laundry.
Saw the wee rabbit scamper off down the hill.
Caught up with e-mails.
Caught up with a distant friend on the phone.

How can I make it happen more regularly?


Keep on keeping on.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Not many, but that's ok.


At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
On the phone to a really old friend. She's not old, but we've known each other for forty years.

Day Seventy-two

A big day: Cairndow for a Harmony Singing workshop; Lochgilphead for the Lantern Parade and fireworks.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?


None. It was a good day, full of people and welcoming friends.

What feelings about differences did I notice?


We're all different, each and every one of us.

What went well today?

Drove well, lovely countryside. Reached my destinations in time, if not early.
Picked up two hitchhikers up from the Loch ___ hotel, between Dalmally and Inveraray. Won't divulge the tales they told me, but the life of most people working at hotels in this area is very hard, accommodation is poor and pay even worse.
Loved the singing and enjoyed the people who attended.
Loved the Lantern Parade and fireworks; best of all: a warm soup and delish fish & chips in great company.
Enjoyed the drive back in the dark.
Got home in good time for another bite to eat and a good soak in a hot bath.

How can I make it happen more regularly?


Go out more, have more baths.

What strengths have I focused on today?

My spirit of adventure

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Driving; enjoying the countryside.

Day Seventy-one

Phew, what a chopped-up kind of day – again!

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Stress, stress, stress, irritation beyond measure.

What went well today?
Woke from a fascinating dream, which I remembered (and wrote down) in great detail.
Got a lot done: 
- enjoyed a few moments in the bright early-morning sunshine- started dealing with some paid work;
- downloaded all my accounts details for October;
- had a one-to-one Gaelic session, which helped me sort out some questions that did not get answered during the phone tutorial; 
- found out how to prosecute a client who's not responded to any of my reminders and has a really bad reputation for late or non-payment of invoices (only the girl who commissioned me never told me that at the time!);
- e-mailed and posted off a final warning that they will be prosecuted via the European Small Claims Procedure. What a lot of hassle!
- at last had some responses from three local workmen, one the gas inspector for my rented-out flat; another the plumber I've been wanting to change some taps here for me;
- one of two painter decorators I've asked to submit a quote re the water damage in my flat has responded; it'll be a small job. Might just withdraw the insurance claim.

- cooked myself another delicious meal: lovely venison steak on a bed of organic broccoli and mushrooms in a delicious sauce;
- took a phone call re some possible student guests sometime in December;
- texted an apology to my Gaelic tutor;
- partly sorted my accounts for October (in terms of having every receipt and bill accounted for, not in terms of actually putting them onto a spreadsheet – wouldn't that be nice!)
- e-mailed an old friend I've neglected.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on

What strengths have I focused on today?

Going off the rails but coming back on again.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Cooking, I think.

What did not go so well?
Overslept massively, waking only at 10:30; felt hassled all day long; still haven't touched my accounting. :/

Day Seventy

Samhain – the hinge-point between seasons. A time of reflection, of remembrance.
Yesterday I thought today might the last day with Concerta – for a while at least, until I feel I know what difference this medication has really made –  but I've changed my mind.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Lonely, but ok with it.

What went well today?
Got quite a lot done: 
- sorted out some work;
- had my hair cut;
- had my car's front brakes sorted out by having new discs and pads fitted; 
- did some much-needed garden work, pruning the bay shrub that's been crowding out a wee apple seedling and a redcurrant shrub;
- had my car's air-condition re-charged and now understand better how it's supposed to work and be used;
- had a fairly positive response from Argyll Voluntary Action re my request for a volunteer to just come and "babysit" me while I work on my accounts – I live in hope!
- got to Tai chi feeling absolutely washed out but left feeling I could take on the world;
- cooked myself a delicious meal: lovely steak on a bed of home-grown salad, including coriander leaves and – probably the last of the nasturtium blossoms – the frost has ravaged the lovelies;
- close-read the lovely home-made card my friendly neighbour gave me through her kids – really touched!
 
How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on

What strengths have I focused on today?

Managed to keep a straight head

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Walking home from the garage in the sunshine, and walking back into town to pick up the car.



What did not go so well?
Still haven't touched my accounting. :/