Day Seventy-seven + Day One without C

After a very broken night (worrying about a job, worrying about life in general, hooked on the latest instalment of a TV spy/crime series), I overslept massively, sleeping until 11:40, right through three alarms, one of which I did perceive, but from a long way away.

Had invited a friend for lunch at noon, so leapt out of bed. By the time I had a moment to write down an extraordinary dream, it was gone. All I remember is thinking that it was really special, long, involved and quite beautiful despite a stressful ending, with me seeking to resolve an issue that couldn't be resolved.

So, as it was already very late, I decided that today is the day I'm coming off Concerta – at least until my next appointment with Dr. Sheard in ten days' time. Should be just enough to see what differences I notice.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None. Felt connected in more than one way.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I do talk a lot.

What went well today?
Managed to have a fairly tidy-looking house by the time my friend knocked on the door.
Lunch turned out great. I produced a delicious hot meal in less than 45 minutes: home-grown potatoes and lettuce (yes, still picking those Lollo rosso leaves!), organic avocado, organic carrots, leeks, broccoli and butternut squash: roughly mashed potatoes mixed with two organic eggs made a lovely "Spanish" omelet; the veggies were still a bit al-dente and looked beautiful, and the salad went down a treat. Followed the lot with organic Oolong for her and coffee for me, and dark-chocolate macaroons.
Also worked on final edits / proofreading of a big job I've helped coax along for an extraordinary Swiss artist.
I also composed info re adult ADD/ADHD for a friend who suspects her husband may have been living with this. They're both about my age – better late than not at all.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on. Invite more friends for lunch.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Ability to pull things together under pressure.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Cooking.

What did not go so well?

Munched the rest of the dark-chocolate macaroons late at night.
Have not touched my accounts, have not called the accountant to clear up a question that's been holding me back.
Continue severely addicted to TV.
Bum very sore indeed but possibly a tiny bit better than a week ago, say.

There's hope!

Day Seventy-one

Phew, what a chopped-up kind of day – again!

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Stress, stress, stress, irritation beyond measure.

What went well today?
Woke from a fascinating dream, which I remembered (and wrote down) in great detail.
Got a lot done: 
- enjoyed a few moments in the bright early-morning sunshine- started dealing with some paid work;
- downloaded all my accounts details for October;
- had a one-to-one Gaelic session, which helped me sort out some questions that did not get answered during the phone tutorial; 
- found out how to prosecute a client who's not responded to any of my reminders and has a really bad reputation for late or non-payment of invoices (only the girl who commissioned me never told me that at the time!);
- e-mailed and posted off a final warning that they will be prosecuted via the European Small Claims Procedure. What a lot of hassle!
- at last had some responses from three local workmen, one the gas inspector for my rented-out flat; another the plumber I've been wanting to change some taps here for me;
- one of two painter decorators I've asked to submit a quote re the water damage in my flat has responded; it'll be a small job. Might just withdraw the insurance claim.

- cooked myself another delicious meal: lovely venison steak on a bed of organic broccoli and mushrooms in a delicious sauce;
- took a phone call re some possible student guests sometime in December;
- texted an apology to my Gaelic tutor;
- partly sorted my accounts for October (in terms of having every receipt and bill accounted for, not in terms of actually putting them onto a spreadsheet – wouldn't that be nice!)
- e-mailed an old friend I've neglected.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep on keeping on

What strengths have I focused on today?

Going off the rails but coming back on again.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Cooking, I think.

What did not go so well?
Overslept massively, waking only at 10:30; felt hassled all day long; still haven't touched my accounting. :/

Day Sixty-six

Ah, Sunday. Taking it as easy as I can but feeling so much better after a really good night's sleep. Started reading a cracking book last night and am going to finish it.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None
 
What feelings about differences did I notice?

Few

What went well today?
My friends called to check up on me. Another friend called. Another one e-mailed.
I got my winter tyres fitted and filled up my screenwash with anti-freeze – now I feel ready for almost anything that may come my way in the weeks ahead. One final trip to the garage next week, to sort out my brake pads (still well within the legal limits).

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep in touch with the world.

What strengths have I focused on today?

I'm learning to be more of my own person, less dependent on others but not a recluse, either.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Reading a fascinating historic novel about Scotland in the late 17th century.



What did not go so well?
Ach, I've still not touched my accounts. How many weeks? I dread to think of it.

Day Fifty-two

A gorgeous day. Was hoiked out of bed at 9 by the sun drawing tiny rainbows on my ceiling through a chink in the curtains – I have a small piece of many-faceted "crystal" in the window.

18mg Concerta seems to be plenty. I feel considerably less "wired" than I have in the past.


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

None. Felt connected to a number of fellow choristers. Miss my truly personal friends, though.
 What feelings about differences did I notice?

I have a low tolerance threshold for people singing out of tune.

What went well today?
Decent day. 
Made good progress on a large translation job.
Did laundry, hoovered the house, shook out duvets, pillows, cushions, blankets, wraps and throws. Took photographs and am hoping to get an identification of some (very yummy) fungi that grow in great profusion in the grass.
Attended extra Gaelic choir practice – it'll all be over in less than a week's time!
Fed myself well, on fresh lettuce, chicken, one mushroom, pink pig potatoes, and avoiding wheat carbs and sweets. Indulged myself with a sizeable chunk of very dark organic chocolate and a bowl of frozen raspberries and blackberries, organic if not all home-grown.

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Don't want to do that kind of housekeeping every day, but my windows could use a clean.


What strengths have I focused on today?

Focus, diversity, wide range of interests.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Working in the house; picking blackberries for immediate consumption. Photographing the sky and mushrooms.



What did not go so well?
Still have not continued work on my accounts. Windows still need cleaning. Garden looks pretty untidy, tatties need digging up – I suppose many of them will be rotten by the time I get round to them.

Day Forty-nine

The weather's broken, it's been a grey, chilly day. Damp, too. Lots of reports of flooding have come in from further south. One of my friends, my Tai chi instructor, is down there. Hope she's ok.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Loneliness.
Procrastinating BIG TIME!

What feelings about differences did I notice?


None. I'm as good a procrastinator as ever: started actual work after 5pm but then swung into quite an impressive output.

What went well today?
Sorted out a change in programme for November and have sorted, if not yet arranged for, transport details.
Completed a shortish translation and sorted out queries regarding a longer piece. Another satisfied customer.


How can I make it happen more regularly?

Stay focused. Work hard.
 
What strengths have I focused on today?
I can focus.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Did some voluntary (computer) work. Feel a bit more connected.

Day Thirty-four

Have decided to up the dosage and took 2x18mg just after 9am, plus 1x18mg at about 11am.
Got up feeling fine and rearing to go, but a phone call threw me off balance. Procrastination kicked in big time.

After a fairly chilly hour from about 11 to about 12noon, it was a wonderfully sunny, mild day.
Just before midday I went out to pick a few brambles. Started chatting to one of my neighbours, went to pick some berries for her husband, handed them over, chatted some more... – and ended up spending five hours completely hyper-focused on weeding part of the garden. No matter how often I told myself to stop and go back into the house, I just kept on pulling out those pesky weeds that have irritated me for weeks.

I came in feeling completely exhausted, totally hyper, "fizzing" with fatigue and adrenalin (?), and headachy from not drinking at all for such a long time. It took me a while to re-focus on this evening's Gaelic phone tutorial, for which I still had to do some prepping.

I managed, just, to be ready, leaving a few questions unanswered and to be presented to the tutor during the tutorial. That's perfectly ok.

Things went ok. Afterwards, though, I felt despair and hopelessness. Not nice. I felt cold, as well. Got myself some food and a mug of instant soup.

And went back to dealing with the Gaelic stuff for this coming week. Good, but challenging. There's so much to remember, not enough time to review and practice.

Day Thirty-two

Sore and tired. My arms hurt from all the typing done today, and maybe there's a twinge or three left over from yesterday. Certainly haven't had enough stretching and balancing exercises.
A tough day. Wild weather out there, not as disastrous as further south(-east), but wild nonetheless.

Woke at a decent hour, got up at 8:30. At last pushed myself into the shower and emerged feeling clean and human.
But hung over, as if! Maybe the weather, maybe the fact that I overate on carbs last night. Had no energy, no focus – or hyperfocus on all things other than work.

Result: had to cancel Gaelic choir practice to push ahead on work, of which suddenly there has been quite a bit – yay! I may yet be able to pay all the bills looming on the horizon :) And barely set foot out of doors.

What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Sudden accesses of loneliness, dread, despair, alternating with hyperfocus and elation. A bloody roller-coaster! But chiefly the realisation that I have to stop procrastinating, or else...!

What went well today?
Received an invitation to stay in Glasgow when the need arises. Fellow translator. Very kind!
Confirmed details with my next visitor, one of my very oldest friends. Can't wait! Feel motivated to get stuff out of the way before she arrives.
Cooked a well-balanced meal (chicken, lots of veg, some of yesterday's tatties, on a bed of fresh lettuce); ate only half of it so I can heat up the rest tomorrow.
Shipped off a couple of small jobs (but only barely within the deadline – very naughty!).

How can I make it happen more regularly?

Practice makes perfect?
Certainly will try to eat lots more veg and salads than I did yesterday.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Hyperfocus, pushing myself to beyond my self-perceived limits.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
e-corresponding with friends; sorting out transport and accommodation details; getting work done and e-mailed to clients.

Is Concerta making a difference?

As on previous days, I felt hyperfocused on all the wrong things, only managing to snap out of this weird mode in the middle of the afternoon. I have no idea what caused it.
By 7:30 I had not eaten for too long and suffered a mild version of the severe stomach cramps I had as a very young woman, when I was so harrassed and stressed-out in Paris that my GP prescribed – guess what? – some drug similar to Valium. It was a bugger to wean myself off the damned pills! Once I had stopped taking them, it still took years until I managed to leave home without at least two of them in my bag, just in case.

I had forgotten all about that until just this evening – fancy that!

Must stop – right arm very sore now. Wrong posture, so off to do some gentle Tai chi movement exercises before bed.

Day Thirty-one

Getting to the end of a decent Sunday.

My friend needed to take the early bus (dep 07:45am!) to Glasgow, so we agreed to get up at 6am or thereabouts to have plenty of time to get ready. She would shower while I prepared the porridge.

It worked and we were both ready to go in good time. She had a good (sleepy) journey and I spent all morning catching up on e-mails, getting information through to my Swiss friend who's coming next month, and a few bits and pieces more, such as uploading photos and making sure my newly departed friend can see them when she gets where she's going. Also had a late breakfast.

The day was fantastic, dry, breezy, warm-ish, so I spent the latter part of the afternoon in the garden, cutting most of the second half of the grass – what a palaver!
Did some weeding and dug up some yummy "pig" potatoes, long, thin pink-skinned ones that stay firm when cooked and taste absolutely delicious.

Am tired and a bit sore now; it's been a long time since I last did any proper heavy work.
But I feel good, and some of the weeds have gone; and a wheeliebin full of heavy sods and compost has also been dealt with. Most satisfying to find that, less than a year after the first dandelion roots and other nasty weeds went in, the product is almost pure soil. The heat in the summer months all but cooked the roots and I'm hoping it's sterilised the weed seeds.
I've distributed the brown stuff in places where there are gaps in the grass.
Came in at almost 7:30pm, cleaned up and cooked tatties and eggs.
Famished and very thirsty even though I did remember to drink a couple of glasses of water throughout the afternoon!

I get really fired up when I've had the 2 x 18mg Concerta, and forget to eat, or drink even – that's what happened in the morning after I got back from taking my friend to the bus.

That's it. Tired, but I've got some work to do now.

Oh, did I mention the p-word at all? No need, eh – the whole day was one great big long p________n from doing my accounts, or getting work done for clients, or hunkering down to revise my Gaelic. What am I like!? Concerta is not making a blind bit of difference in that department, that's for sure.

Catching up – Days Ten plus Twelve, Thirteen

Lots on – work piling up ...

Friday (Day Ten plus Twelve):
Re-visited dentist to have new filling adjusted so weight is evenly distributed. Very pleased with result – it was awful to have a wide gap between molars in which "half a chicken and half a broccoli" would get caught...

What emotional pangs did I notice yesterday?

None that I recall. I was on a roll...

What went well yesterday?
No procrastination re getting a spontaneous appointment with the dentist to tweak the new filling put in the day before.
Good walks into town and back – in all kinds of weather. The Bay never ceases to delight me.
Excellent Gaelic one-to-one session with my private tutor. 
 
How can I make it happen more regularly?

Keep practicing, keep walking.
 
What strengths did I focus on yesterday?

None in particular. Not very focused, really, at least not consciously so.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Getting stuck into Gaelic work; walking; exchanging views and opinions about language, politics, the weather –

Saturday (Day Ten plus Thirteen): 
Good day away with Oban Gaelic Choir, with decent results in a singing competition. More importantly, the choir really felt good, energetic, focused, happy – a great feeling.

On way home, my passenger and I stopped off at a couple of places I had long been meaning to visit – friends who live outside Oban. One of them a wonderful horsewoman, the other a couple who have a fantastic garden and miniature railway. Very satisfying.

Emotional pangs?
None. I feel great. Singing's good for us!

What went well?
See above. Plus I have just shipped off another small translation so I can focus on new jobs and intensive distance-learning Gaelic course when I get back from Glasgow tomorrow.

Strengths?
Ability to rekindle friendships? Being a safe driver, especially when I have passengers.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself? 
When singing and chatting with friends. And when doing urgent work.