Day Forty-two

My friend's not coming. Am feeling awful.

Spent half the night worrying how I'd get everything done in time for her visit and whether she would perceive my busy schedule as a message that I don't really have time for her – which so isn't true! Eventually, I almost overslept.

Had just finished getting her room ready when the phone rang. It was her, sobbing that she had not been able to embark on her journey: too daunting. Like me, she has only quite recently been properly diagnosed – with a fairly severe form of bi-polar. We were both born in the year of the dragon, 1952, and have battled to survive for so many years without really knowing what has been dragging us down and holding us back.

Needless to say I'm devastated to hear that her hopes have yet again been dashed (and mine) and that she feels an utter and total failure.
Alarmed to hear she was really scared to tell me and expected me to slam the phone down on her – she used a much more graphic, violent image. Is that the effect I'm having on people?

It has recently come to my notice that others have felt alienated, totally freaked out even, by my manner. It was the trigger for my quest.


What emotional pangs did I notice today?

Loneliness, despair, loss, fear – fear for my friend more than for myself.

What feelings about differences did I notice?

I'll never be the same as anyone else – not that I'd want that...

What went well today?
Met another Swiss friend for lunch. He was passing through. I blurted it all out to him and it felt good to have a kind of "shoulder to cry" on...
Trying to focus on eating healthily.

What strengths have I focused on today?

Picking up the pieces and getting on with it, regardless.

At what point did I feel most authentically myself?
Never, not really.